This is M-Rated, Everybody Scream!
by CalKJ
Summary: Some teens throw a party for Halloween, and that's nothing new. There's drinking, smoking, touching, kissing, yadda yadda yadda great summary. Don't get stoned and read this, or do it, I'm not bossy, also this is M Rated, and grrreaaaah I'm turning into a werewolf! Oh no wait, I'm fine. Beware, though. Bloke like me could do some damage. This isn't even my final form. 12 chars left
1. Heaven or Hell

**Chapter 1: Heaven or Hell**

 _Fly…_

 _With…_

 _Us…_

 _Under the wings that we made for you._

 _We like…_

 _To play…_

 _A little rough!_

 _It's super fun. Dontcha wanna try it?_

 _Kiss…_

 _And…_

 _Touch…_

 _We're young, and we love to stay up._

 _Mischief…_

 _It gives us…_

 _A good rush!_

 _I can feel it surging through your body._

 _Take control of your fear…_

 _And become the nightmare…_

 _Pay the price, entry's never too steep._

 _This is live or die, I know it's terror that you seek._

 _Such a hellish ride, it's not over 'til you shriek,_

 _Way too many times, let your heart be a freak!_

 _Don't forget that you're a guest in demonic domain._

 _We know that we're the hottest so we frolic in flames._

 _Because running free beats rottin' in chains._

 _Compelling all with deviance, our modest crusade._

 _This is heaven or hell, where devil-tears stream,_

 _To the ring of a bell, shock and awe make the king._

 _If it's eerie and chilling, there's no way it's a dream..._

' _Cuz monsters only sleep after making you scream!_

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** Happy Friday the 13th! Hooray for the next chapter as well as fanart, which you can view through my profile's link!


	2. So Everyone's a Monster

**A/N:** Don't worry, I intend to keep this story T-rated. Scout's honor!

 **Chapter 2: So Everyone's a Monster**

"Welp, this oughtta help the fact we're bringing a total sausage fest to the party," Sora stated, carrying two tall bottles of Exdeath Whiskey in one hand and a six pack of generic piss-water in the other.

Carrying a whole keg, Riku added, "Dude, we've got enough booze to kill Homer Simpson, like twice if we wanted to."

Meanwhile, Tidus carried a keg of his own. "You guys better thank Auron next time we see him! You know he made those fake I.D.'s extra convincing!"

"What, are you kidding?" Wakka shot back, humping a fifty pound foam machine. "I think paying his outrageous fees was thanks enough, ya?"

Tidus, wearing a zombie-themed version of his blitzball uniform, replied, "Now that you mention it…I think that sonuva bitch robbed me. Is there really such a thing as a five thousand-munny cure-for-Chocobo-measles fee?"

All four teenagers were walking down the dirt road that lead to Selphie's house, the scene of a brewing Project X house party full of precocious teens, loud music, and questionable substances. The fact that it was the night of Halloween certainly added to the excitement; it was late enough for trick-or-treaters to be back at home counting candy but still early enough to party the night away.

"Huh? No, I didn't fall for that crap," Sora replied indifferently, rocking his Halloweentown vampire outfit.

Riku, wearing a werewolf costume consisting of ripped jeans, an open yellow vest, and tons of fake fur, quickly told Tidus, "Tidus, you dumb slut of Eidolon-level proportions. Anyway, before we get to the party, just know I've got dibs on Olette if she shows up."

Wakka, sporting an intricate swamp monster outfit, protested immediately, "The HELL do you mean, you got dibs? You can't call dibs if we aren't even there yet!"

"Aha!" Riku exclaimed. Whipping out a handbook, he flipped to a bookmarked page and triumphantly reported, "But yes I can! In the new edition of _Dude Rules and Regulations_ , article twenty-nine-point-six clearly states 'calling dibs is a totally legal move as long as alcohol is and will be involved within a four-and-a-half-hour window of said dibs-call, notwithstanding the geographic distance from'—"

"You know what, Riku?" Sora interrupted, clearly not fond of the excerpt, "You were gonna hit on something at that party regardless of any dibs or Dude Rules."

Pocketing his book, Riku shrugged and agreed, "Well, yeah. Rules were meant to be broken, after all. Speaking of calling dibs, let's all remember Sora's not a virgin anymore!"

" _Oh yeah!"_ Tidus and Wakka shrieked in unison.

"How are you still talking about this?" Sora asked in irritation.

Smacking you silly with some topnotch exposition, Riku replied, "How could we not? That chick was smokin' hot, Sora. That chick was smokin' hot AND she called you _amazing…"_

"While running naked down the hallway," Tidus added.

"And she also turned out to be a badass samurai, the star of her own Squeenix game!" Wakka finished.

Sora grumbled, "Are you guys done giving exposition?"

"Hm…" Riku, Tidus, and Wakka joined in collective thinking. Raising a studious finger, Riku suggested, "We could talk about your Kupo+ scandal with Aqua a few months back."

"Oh yeah! That was _awesome!"_ Tidus exclaimed in utter joy. "Aw, man! You had your hands all over her—!"

"Oops—too late!" Sora cut him off. Gesturing to the two-story house at the end of the road, he dismissed the conversation, "Looks like we're already here! Let's get drunk!"

"Hell yeah!" Riku seconded, following after the vampire.

All four teens approached the front door, which practically buzzed and vibrated from the interior sound system. Just as Sora turned the doorknob, Tidus blurted out loud, "Freakin' A, guys—I'm nervous!"

"Really, Tidus?" Riku reprimanded. "You're gonna start bitching out now?"

"No, I'm not bitching out—"

"It sounds like you're bitching out!"

"I just—I just need a moment to catch my breath! Don't you hear the sound of that shit?"

Riku fired back, "Yeah, I'm sure freakin' Midgar can hear this place! C'mon, Sora, let's get in there!"

"Okey-dokey," said Sora, twisting the knob.

"Wait!" Wakka suddenly interjected. "Now I'm nervous, too!"

"God…dammit," Riku swore. "You two are gonna make us look like idiots!"

"Just wait a sec, will ya?" Wakka pled.

"Sure thing," Sora replied, calmly waiting for the blitzball players' balls to drop. (Hi-oh.)

Riku needed to deliver an inspirational speech, fast. Setting down his keg, he huddled his arms around Wakka and Tidus, starting with, "Listen guys. Beyond that door Sora's patiently waiting to open, there are chicks. Hot ones. Not only that, about ninety-percent of those chicks chose to wear something slutty and revealing for this one night alone. Now…add the fact that we have good looks, excessive charm, and about twenty kilos of liquid confidence to make this a night to remember. What do you say, boys?"

"Let's do this shit." Tidus was ready.

"Show me the pussy!" Wakka was beyond ready.

Snagging his keg, Riku told Sora, "I think we're good to go, Bro-ra!"

"Gentlemen, start your engines." Sora opened the door.

* * *

 **-X- Selphie's House Party**

Somewhere between the point at which Selphie welcomed them in and the time when Sora started taking (jello) shots off of Kairi's boobs…

Somewhere between that first game of beer pong and the umpteenth shotgun chug in front of the keg stand…

Somewhere between the bumping mixed with grinding and public displays of affection…

Somewhere between the generous use of the foam machine and that totally mellow smoke-session with Donald, Goofy, Pence, Hayner, and few other stoners…

Sora finally found himself at peace with the world. For once, he was out and about, not worrying about Heartless, Nobodies, Square Enix's rules, Kingdom Hearts III, or even his past scandals…

As soon as he'd walked in with his boys, Sora knew he was in the right place. Selphie, dressed as a witch with glorious sex appeal, ushered them past the booming living room, stepping between throngs of teens dressed up as beasts and babes of all shapes and sizes. Bringing them to the dining area, Selphie initiated a grudge match of beer pong; she and Kairi versus Sora and Tidus.

After the boys got their butts kicked, they reported to the keg stand and proceeded to chug their sorrows away. After that, Sora and Tidus marked their territory on the dance floor. Neither of them had prior dance training, but they still somehow got the crowd to chant their names in a circle.

That's when Riku and Wakka finally figured out how to hook up the foam machine; thanks to their impromptu dance skills, Sora and Tidus not only impressed the crowd but also found themselves soaked in congratulatory suds.

Then, the rave music started playing.

Somehow, someway, Sora had his back to the wall. He was a victim of grinding, and Kairi was the perpetrator.

During their inevitable make-out session, a totally separate session with blunts, joints, and bong riffs was taking place on the backyard porch. There, Hayner and Pence were consoling an abandoned Riku. Olette was too sick to make it to the party. Fortunately, Donald and Goofy were always rolling up the best strains, so good vibes weren't far off for the wolf-man.

* * *

 **-X- Upstairs**

Alcohol and hormones made a great team that night, legislating that the party was too loud for Sora and Kairi. In fact, it was Kairi who initiated the retreat upstairs within Selphie's home. Holding Sora in loose but unbreakable tow, Kairi led her dance partner past a variety of drunken guests, some of them locked in their teenage passion or simply passed out amid the stairwell.

During their trek upstairs, and pretty much that whole night leading up to that point, Sora was still trying to figure out what Kairi's costume was meant to be. She wore red boots, tight blue leggings, a red one-piece bathing suit over the leggings (strapless), blue arm sleeves, and a pair of batwings on her back and headband.

Though clueless, Sora still appreciated that costume's emphasis on the prowess of booty.

Leading Sora through the upstairs hall, Kairi happened upon the first door on the right, pushing it open and immediately closing it.

Giving Sora a mortified look, Kairi explained, "Yeah, someone's gettin' busy with someone in there."

"Well, what about this door—aaaaand that was Snow's ass." Sora concluded all the other rooms were either locked or being used by horny teens. "Welp. Guess we have to use the floor."

Laughing out loud, Kairi dismissed her amorous date, "Take it easy, cowboy. We still have the balcony."

Scratching his chin in thought, Sora came to the conclusion, "I like the way you think, Kairi."

Opening the balcony doors, Kairi added, "Yeah. I've been meaning to talk to you anyway."

"Dammit…" Sora cursed under his breath.

Since Selphie's home was built atop one of the many hills on Destiny Island's mainland, the balcony overlooked many landmarks, like the town square, the distant mountains, a pond or two, and the rest of the neighborhood.

Leaning on the railing, Kairi stated, "I'm proud of you, Sora."

Leaning next to her, Sora asked, "What for?"

"Well…" She didn't answer. At first. Then she said, "That girl was right. You are amazing."

"Are you talking about Too-Bee?" Sora never liked bringing up that one-night stand with 2B. Mainly because…he technically got date-raped. **(1)**

"Who else?" Kairi laughed again. "That girl really came out of nowhere and had her way with you. And then she had the audacity to call you 'amazing.' Hmph…and only you could make me jealous while I'm trying to do the same."

Sora mocked her, "And only you would wear a costume that looks like a vampire hooker."

"Ass," she retorted. "I'm a succubus. Like Lilith and Morrigan?"

"Tch, sorry. Not ringin' any bells."

"Heh…you're a terrible liar."

Sora smirked. "…But then again, you are smokin' hot."

Kairi rolled her eyes. "Fine then, I stand corrected."

"You do that. I'm gonna take a piss." And it came to pass that Sora unzipped his pants, flipped out his bird, and pissed a good stream between the railings, all in plain view.

"Omigod, _Sora,"_ Kairi part-whined, part-shrieked, face-palming away from the piss act.

" _AH_ …" Sora sang his relief. "That feels…godlike."

"This is a new level of bum even I wasn't ready for." Kairi continued to look away, agitation expanding with every ounce of falling urine.

"Whoa, still goin'," the public pisser observed.

"Yeah, I can tell," Kairi hissed back at him.

"Yep…stiiiiiill goin'," please don't hate me for this.

"Geez-a-freakin'-Lou, how much did you drink?"

"I'm gettin' there! Yeah…almost there!"

"Ugh." Little by little, Kairi's neck loosened. Then her eyes cut sidelong. Tapping her fingers impatiently, she let her brow furrow. Aaaaaaand then she peeked at him. "Dammit."

"You peeked, didn't you?" Sora asked with his eyes closed.

"You know, you're just lucky the backyard faces the other way!" Kairi peeked again. "Otherwise, you definitely would've pissed on someone."

"Aaaaand it has finished." Zipping up, Sora smirked and stated, "If you only knew, Kairi."

A punch to the arm was her restrained response.

Suddenly, echoes of screaming rang from downstairs. Terrified, Sora and Kairi jumped in place. The screams escalated from the backyard as well. Scanning left and right, Sora and Kairi spotted an ominous green light glowing from all the way downstairs, as well as the adjacent patio. The screaming continued for a short while before suddenly ceasing along with that shining green light.

"Okay, that sounded bad," Sora promoted himself to Captain Obvious.

"I don't think we should go downstairs," and Kairi was his first mate.

They weren't alone; some of the horny teens started exiting their private rooms, exchanging looks of shared uncertainty. Quickly taking charge, Sora commanded, "Listen up—if you're a horny teen, get behind me! Kairi and I will go first."

Behold, Sora and Kairi peeked downstairs to find something quite uncanny. Reeling in shock, they discovered the countless party guests lying motionless on the floor. Totally horrified, Sora yelled, "Guys, if this is a trick, it's not funny!"

None of them responded. One of the horny teens, Serah (from FF13) dressed as Natasha Romanoff, screamed bloody murder before crying, "OMIGOD, THEY'RE DEAD!"

Another horny teen, Noel (from the same game) dressed as Kylo Ren, lamented out loud, "Ah, dammit—I wanted to screw that chick on the left!"

Checking pulses left and right, Kairi reported, "They're alive, but something creepy definitely went down."

Sora peered through the open door to the backyard, finding more bodies lying in heaps. "Yeah, tell me about it. You think something toxic got in the foam machine?"

"I don't think so, detective. It must've been related to the green light we saw! And Sora, look!" Kairi pointed at a stirring pile of moss and swamp leaves. "Doesn't that pile of swamp-crap remind you of someone?"

" _Urrrrgggghhhh,"_ it gurgled from an indiscernible face. _"What kinda hangover starts INSIDE the party?"_

Sora recognized that accent anywhere. "Wakka? The hell…?" Looking around, Sora found himself in the middle of a monster movie mashup.

Slowly, the passed out party patrons woke themselves up, groggy from whatever chaos fell upon them. Only this time, their Halloween costumes looked a bit more convincing than before.

While holding his rear-end, Wakka, looking like a walking ghillie suit dripping murky liquids, stood up to give a long, echoing moan, _"OOOOOOOOOH,_ some of this might be _shit!"_

Vaan, from Final Fantasy XII, switched it up and came to the party dressed as a Viking; upon awakening, he made sure to stroke his brand new great beard a few times, spouting a dank version of Norse gibberish, "Du hast…Du hast mich!"

Zidane Tribal, from the ninth one, had attended the party under the guise of a red devil. Now sporting red skin, hooves, a furry set of legs, a pointy tail, and a classic pair of horns on the skull, Zidane fanned himself frantically while complaining, "Holy flippin' hell! It's hot as _my_ _balls_ in here!"

Others were not so lucky. Some jackass came to the party dressed as a toilet.

Some of the party monsters were stumbling in from the backyard; Riku, destroying bits of the doorway with his razor-sharp claws, appeared to be in a bad mood. Growling like a mean teen wolf, he said, "Somebody…better explain WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED!"

Following in after him, Hayner and Pence, both dressed as red and blue ninjas, respectively, silently looked at each other before instantly fighting to the death.

Dodging a shuriken, Franken-Goofy re-lit his blunt and took a drag. After a cool exhale, he said, "Welp, if anyone still needs rubbers, I've got 'em for one buck a piece! A-hiyuck!"

Crawling in through the door was a mummified Donald, barely able to stand himself up. With ragged mummy tape vastly marooning his legs, the pitiful duck mage screeched, "WAK!" as numerous Shadow Clone Jutsus of Hayner and Pence trampled him.

The Hayners and Pences really seemed to hate each other, for they attacked with numerous weaponries, including but not limited to swords, mases, kunai, staffs, throwing stars, crossbows, nunchaku, and worst of all their bare hands.

Suddenly, another throwing star tore through the air straight for Kairi. Sensing her peril before she did, Sora pulled her out of the way just in time to let it collide straight into Tidus' skull, followed by a wet _thunk._

"Dude, I want some braaains!" Tidus complained, barely even noticing the shuriken jutting from his forehead. Yeah, he was a zombie.

Pulling in close to Sora, Kairi fretted between them, "I think they wanna kill us, Sora!"

Fed up with the chaos, Sora summoned his Kingdom Key and hollered, "Everyone! Get ahold of yourselves! You have to calm down!"

That's when Vaan popped up, rolling four-deep with a Viking posse consisting of Penelo, Fran, and Ashelia (all chicks). Suddenly, he leaned in close to Kairi's face, offering a bearded grimace and an acute lack of deodorant. He uttered to the frightened girl, "Kann man uns am Himmel sehn?"

"Sora—do something!" Kairi was a deer about to get run over by a car with no headlights.

Reluctantly shoving him away with his Keyblade, Sora shooed him, "C'mon, Vaan, you're being super weird right now!"

"DU HAST! DU HAST!" Vaan yelled like a mad man.

And there, beyond their expectation, a swooping gust of wind suddenly shook the living room full of monsters, totally wrecking the place. The wind pushed hard enough to blow the front door off its hinges; the culprit of these acts revealed herself, standing smackdab in the center of the room.

"Hello, hello, my pretties!" Selphie the teen witch announced loud and proud. Using some magic horseshit to make her voice echo, she yelled enthusiastically, "Now, if you asked me what in the name of all that is holy—and unholy—just took place moments before we all blacked out, I will tell you straight-up that I know exactly jack-for-shit!"

In a psychotic bout of anger, Wolf-Riku punched Zombie-Tidus in the face, yelling, "Goddammit—WHO DID THIS SHIT?"

"Simmer down, Team-Roid-Rage!" Watching Riku fall silent again, she continued, "Moving on—you all should know that I, The Honorably Flawless Selphie Tilmitt in All her Supreme Hotness, will be serving as your official, permanent Queeeeeeeen of Halloweeeeeeen!"

Suddenly, the toilet started flapping its seat to mimic applause, though it was the only one clapping. A disembodied voice from within the toilet bowl threw its support out, "All right—yeah! I can get behind that, all the way! Go Selphie!"

"Thank you, Irvine!" Selphie thanked her one fan.

Sighing, Kairi asked, "Was it tough? Coming up with that speech all by yourself?"

"Screw YOU, Kairi!" the witch bellowed with a beastly echo. "Do you realize treason is punishable by death?"

Kairi shot back, "Okay, one, it was just a joke. Two, how are you gonna be the 'Queen of Halloween' when it's already, like…a quarter past twelve? Bitch, your time was yesterday!"

Laughing, Selphie played her trump card, "You fool, with my powers of 'Hot Bitchcraft,' I shall literally make every day Halloween Night, starting when I blot out the sun at _dawn!"_

"Oooooh!" some of the monsters oohed, impressed by Selphie's plan.

"Dun, dun, dun," Sora chimed uncaringly. "Great, thanks for telling us your plan. Now we're gonna stop you."

Confident as ever, the teen witch held out her left hand and said, "Sure, if you can keep up, baby-boy."

Behold, a broomstick controlled by telekinesis flew out from behind Sora, thwacking him over the head in the process; swiftly catching her broom, Selphie hitched a ride and blasted off out the door.

Sora rubbed his noggin with an annoyed look. "Okay, so we should probably start a to-do list."

Devil-Zidane called out his opinion on the matter, "Hey! Halloween every single day sounds awesome to me!"

And with that, a strong following of deviant teenagers-turned-monsters exited the building. One girl in particular, Rikku from the tenth Final Fantasy, had effectively been turned into Felicia…from Darkstalkers. So she was a mostly naked cat-lady with many cat-habits, and this attracted the attention of the super-aggro wolfman nearby.

Putting two and two together, Sora cursed, "Oh, rats."

Rikku, sensing danger, immediately dashed for the door. Riku followed, yelling after her, "Hey, you! Come back! I have candy!"

Soon, all the swamp-things, mummies, ninjas, Vikings, vampires, spiders, robots, shotokans, demons, angels, and other things too crazy to mention vacated the premises, save a few un-turned teenagers and Terra Branford.

Speaking of Terra, a fortune-teller, the girl was peacefully sitting down with her crystal ball. She said, "You guys…have some work to do."

"Crap…okay let's do a quick headcount." Counting the heads, Sora concluded, "So there's ten of us still in the house. That's me, Kairi, Terra, Yuffie, Firion, Snow, Serah, Noel, Yeul, and Tidus. As far as I know, only two of us here were affected by the green light: Tidus and Terra."

Reaching for Sora's head, Tidus moaned, "Aaaaaah, I just want some braaaaaaains, man!"

Sora held off the zombie's advances whilst continuing, "Everyone else was upstairs being a horny teenager, so we should consider ourselves lucky."

"Way ahead of you," Noel replied with a wink.

"Great. Also, someone tie this guy up, please?"

Snow, from the thirteenth one again, obliged Sora's request, "Got it." Fetching the garden hose from the backyard, Snow came back and tied up a reluctant Tidus, effectively preventing a zombie apocalypse.

Fist pumping with Snow, who's dressed like a caveman, Sora stated, "All right, that's one down! Um…how many people showed up, again?"

"Beats me," Kairi replied.

"No clue," Serah, or Natasha Romanoff, said.

"Face it, we're screwed," Yuffie inserted. Her costume in particular pissed off Kairi.

"There's gotta be a way." Looking at Terra, Sora snapped his fingers and said, "That's it! We'll use Terra's crystal ball to locate our friends!"

"Good idea, Sora!" Yuffie cheered. "Also, someone please tell Kairi to quit shooting me dirty looks!"

"I just can't believe you bought the outfit right after you saw me walking out the store with it!" Kairi voiced her inner fury. "What, did you think I was just buying it for my everyday wardrobe?" Yuffie and Kairi had worn identical Halloween costumes.

"Geez, I thought it would look hot on me, too!" Yuffie confessed, posing in her red 'n blue succubus outfit. Flipping her locks, she added, "I even colored my hair pink so we would look different."

"Yeah, not different enough—"

"Moving on!" Sora interrupted. "Terra, go ahead and use your crystal ball to find our friends."

Rolling her eyes, Terra scoffed, "You wanna try asking nicely?"

Sora sighed. "Please?"

"Fine. Let's see…" The crystal orb began glowing and swirling with clouds. "Yep, there's a bunch of 'em out there. It's kinda hard to tell how many, but I'm thinking they're still close."

With air-quotes, Kairi asked, "What about the 'Queen of Halloween'?"

Tapping the glass of her crystal ball nonchalantly, Terra asked it, "Hey. You know where Selphie is?" The only response the ball gave was a sudden fiery explosion within the glass. "Oh, darn. That means Selphie's blocking my magic."

"Well, she did leave here on a broom," Kairi pointed out. "We should start searching the skies, ASAP!"

"And don't forget, we gotta find out who turned all our friends into freaks," Sora reminded.

Just then, Firion, wearing an orange Goku costume, lamented out loud, "Aw, crap! I should've been down here partying instead of making out with Yuffie! I coulda had the powers of _a Super Saiyan_ —sonuva bitch!"

"Hey, you did more than make out with me," Yuffie corrected. "Since I'm a good girl, I'd say you broke even."

Kairi laughed at that, much to Yuffie's annoyance.

"Let's get moving, Kairi," Sora ordered.

Firion still had hope. "Maybe some of that light got on me and it's reacting late? Ka…me…ha…me…HA!"

* * *

 **-X- Outside**

"Oh, this is bad." Sora observed the chaos all around the neighborhood. Wolf Riku was chasing Cat Rikku in circles; Hayner and Pence continued to engage in mortal combat; there was a man-sized mech suit charging up and down the road, firing machine guns into Wakka, the swamp-thing. Pretty much eating the bullets, Wakka growled once before hurling a vine around the mech-suit's legs, tripping it up and throwing it into a parked car.

"Oh, God…we are gonna get in so much trouble," Kairi fretted.

Spotting two allies standing under a streetlight, Sora said, "Look! It's Donald and Goofy!"

Goofy was in the middle of attempting to reassemble Donald's mummified form, unintentionally putting his arms where his legs should be.

"You're doing it wrong!" Donald complained. Snatching the blunt from Goofy, Donald puffed that good stuff and said, "I knew we should've stayed at the castle. This is a bunch of…"

"Donald, Goofy!" Sora cried, stepping in the street light's fluorescence.

"Sora, it's chaos out here!" Goofy reported. "There are people stalkin' and shootin' and jabbin' and layin' eggs!"

Kairi replied, "We got that much. Tell us where Selphie went!"

Donald snarled, "Oh yeah, the witch! Last I saw, she was flying toward the mountains!"

Vexed, Sora determined, "We have to take my Gummi ship. We'll spot everyone easily from the skies."

"Oh, contraire…"

The sinister voice came from above the street light. Perched on the apex was a hooded figure in black, staring the four sleuths down. In a woman's voice, the hooded figure continued, "Wouldn't you rather fly with your classmates, unfettered from engines or steering wheels?"

Donning his war-face, Sora rejected the favor, shouting up, "No way, whoever you are!"

Kairi added, "Yeah, and Sora's not even in school anymore! So, uh…he doesn't have any classmates!"

Laughing, the person in the black coat suddenly jumped down. Curious, Goofy asked, "Gee, do ya think she's with the Organization?"

Summoning his Keyblade, Sora pointed it at the mysterious person, saying, "Don't know. Don't care. Clearly, she's the one who caused all this!"

"You don't say," the woman retorted. Holding out a spell book, she announced, "Look what poor little Zexion misplaced! How 'bout a lullaby to calm the nerves?"

"Big mistake!" Sora charged the hooded woman full-speed. Taking a swing, Sora was blown back at the last second by a torrent of notebook paper; it seemed to materialize from the woman's sleeve, blowing around with the wind before returning to her hand.

"Hey! Only I get to put Sora on his butt!" Kairi charged forward, receiving the same result with twice as much paper. Skidding on the ground, she cried, "Ow! Okay, we need a real plan!"

Suddenly, loads of pages started gathering over Sora and Kairi, smothering them against the dirt road. Unable to stand and having barely enough space to see through, Sora cried, "Donald, Goofy, get out of here!"

One quick look around revealed they left a while ago.

"Yeah, they're gone."

"Sora!" Kairi managed to grab Sora's hand. "I'm scared!"

Giggling maniacally, the hooded figure said, "Now. Hold still. Also, I recommend closing your eyes. The light is bit on the bright side." Raising her stolen book, she uttered, _"Foolish youths of precocious forays, take on the persona your costume portrays!"_

Nothing happened. At first.

Speaking prematurely, Kairi jested, "HA! Your stupid spell doesn't—"

The same green light from before erupted from the book's pages, blinding both Sora and Kairi. Uncontrollably, screams escaped from their mouths, almost like the spell was pulling out the scream itself. Unable to even breathe during this hex, Sora and Kairi went blue in the face while the screams exited their bodies. And then it happened that they fell unconscious.

"Sweet dreams," the woman purred before they blacked out.

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** 1) Reference! **Sora Totally Gets Laid** , ch. 2-3.

Anyway, anyone liking it? Loving it? Deeply offended? Let me know, and as always, stay tuned!


	3. The Taste of Love

**Chapter 3: The Taste of Love**

"Whoa…shellshock…" Sora groaned himself awake.

Sitting up from the cold pavement, he immediately grabbed his head in both hands. It felt like it was threatening to liquefy right off his shoulders. Practically swimming in his own eyes, Sora hazily groveled up to a standing position. It was only after his vision cleared up that he noticed the slight change in his vamp-attire.

"What the…?" Sora uttered, looking down at his now ankle-length overcoat. Now sporting red straps fastened to his gray shoulder guards, he groped around his torso and legs to feel that his new threads were a bit more form-fitting. Feeling a draft on his bare chest, he asked out loud, "What happened to my undershirt?"

Most puzzling of all was the disappearance of his pumpkin mask, yet he still had his right eye covered by…something. Feeling all around his cranium, Sora gasped at the abundance of insanely long hair.

Dashing over to a car window, he found his reflection…to be almost completely transparent.

"The fuck?"

Upon spitting out those words, Sora's reflection gained more opacity. He gasped again; his hair had become the shining definition of wild, totally reaching past his shoulders and covering his right eye. His fangs looked more prominent than before, jutting outwards to keep from self-harm.

Watching his reflection phase out of existence again, Sora sighed and inferred, "Guess I'm one of them now. I wonder how long I was out. Wait a minute…where's Kairi?"

Indeed, she was nowhere to be found. What's more, his set of Gummi ship keys were also missing.

"Great. So much for searching in the sky."

Sora took off running down the street.

"Weird. I can't hear anyone. How far off did they wonder?"

He checked his surroundings, noticing everything had become a blur.

"Things shouldn't be this quiet…or blurry."

Slowing down to a skidding halt, Sora took a quick glance back to see he was now hundreds of yards away from where he previously woke up. Staring at his own legs in awe, the speedy vampire looked back at the streetlight, then back at his legs, then back at the streetlight, now back to his legs.

Cracking a smile, Sora took off again; unbound from his previous uncertainty, he checked his blurring environment once more to deduce that indeed, he was running at Sonic the Hedgehog levels of fast.

Taking a sharp turn around a corner, Sora began sprinting down a dirt road trailing behind a row of houses' backyards. Feeling a strange power surge through his every fiber, the neo-vampire let out a crazed cackle before screeching, "This…is 'ucking fawesome!"

Suddenly, as he passed up a cluster of garbage bags, an oversized battle-axe came swinging out from behind the trash heap. Reacting fast, Sora leaned backward and skidded on his heels, watching a strand or two of hair get severed in the process.

Snapping back to appropriate balance, Sora turned and accosted the axe-wielder, "Hey, you tryna kill me?! Wait, look who I'm talking to."

The Viking with a killer instinct twirled his battle-axe once before hurling some anecdote in Norse-gibberish, "Getadelt wird wer Schmerzen kennt! Vom Feuer das die Haut verbrennt! Ich werfe ein—!"

"Okay, let me stop you right there," Sora interrupted, not terribly find of gibberish-horseshit. "I've got no clue what you just said, and really, I'm just here to make sure you don't kill anyone, like myself."

Growling, Vaan the Viking brute cried before charging forth, "FEUER FREI!"

Sighing, Sora lazily sidestepped the oncoming strike, tapped Vaan on the shoulder and said, "You know, Vaan, if you got some kinda axe to grind, maybe we should sit down and have a nice talk about it." Dodging another swipe meant for his head, Sora taunted, "Guys with bad breath don't deserve to be rude, if you ask me."

"Feuer frei!" Vaan yelled again, swinging his axe overhead.

Summoning his Keyblade, Sora stopped the axe-attack right before realizing his Kingdom Key was changed. No longer seeing his traditional Kingdom Key, the neo-vampire saw something entirely new. Shaped like an oversized shard of broken glass, Sora's revamped Kingdom Key sported a red and black color swap.

"What the…. No way!" Sora marveled at his weapon while blocking many more strikes from Viking Vaan. The end of it still had key-like teeth that resembled sharp edges of glass, while the hilt and Mickey Mouse insignia remained largely unchanged in shape.

"Kingdom Key?" Warding off one more axe-strike, Sora quipped, "This is more like a Hellzone Key."

"Du hast MICH!" Vaan bellowed, hurling his battle-axe like a spinning projectile.

"Hmph." Sora utilized some phantomlike speed and agility to run around the spinning axe and stop right behind the Viking. Whistling a tune, the cocky vampire raised his Hellzone Key and swiftly knocked Vaan unconscious.

"Sorry about that, Vaan. Try to stay unconscious until I get back." Taking off at a full sprint again, Sora reasoned with himself, "Okay, if I were a bunch of teenagers with powers, where the heck would I go first?" The answer was instantaneous. "Oh, right! The school!"

Once again, that same surge of power coursed throughout his body, and this time, Sora gave in to it; without any warning, the swift vampire erupted into a cloud of bats, giving him augmented speed and sonar clairvoyance.

"Whoa! This is intense!" his disembodied voice exclaimed.

The bat-swarm hit the turbos, flapping and screeching at breakneck speeds. Suddenly gaining his bearings, the flock of Sora-bats stopped on a dime, reshaping into a gothic teen demon mere inches in front of a square sign that read, "Welcome to Destiny Senior High School!"

Hopping over the sign, Sora paused to let his senses expose any misbehaving teenagers. Turns out, the only sense he needed was vision thanks to the presence of Seifer standing not far ahead with his back turned. Noting his outfit, Sora muttered, "Let's see…boots, camo pants, leather jacket. What was he supposed to be, again?"

"Somebody help me!" a girl's voice cried just beyond Seifer's stock-still form. "I am ever so powerless against this guy!"

"I know that voice," Sora uttered. Leaning his head to peer around Seifer, he spotted a certain redhead cowering against the school's brick wall. Gasping, Sora sprang into action, summoning his Keyblade and running up on Seifer with deft speed. Charging a mighty strike, he attempted to slash him along the neck, but reeled in amazement upon seeing his weapon stop to a clanking halt.

To Sora, it felt as if he'd just struck a metal beam, for Seifer didn't even flinch. The towering youngster turned around slowly, revealing a stoic face half-concealed by sunglasses. Unexpectedly, a red glow revealed itself behind the silent troublemaker's shades, effectively reminding Sora just what his costume represented.

So then Seifer planted his heel in Sora's stomach, sending the mesmerized vampire tumbling. Still holding his foot in the air for dramatic effect, Seifer the cybernetic android said in a monotone command, "Talk to the boot."

Picking himself back up, Sora asked in a joking manner, "So which part o' Skynet did you come from, sparky?"

"Threat detected," Seifer analyzed before ripping off his sleeves. "Entering 'kill stuff' mode. Prepare to get dead."

Posing with his Keyblade on the shoulder, Sora replied, "Easy, T-Fifty. Just back away from my friend, and no one has to get hurt."

"Sora…is that you?" said the girl by the wall.

"Yeah, it's m—a, _WHUUH?!"_ Sora couldn't help himself. That girl formerly known as Kairi looked slightly different than before. Seeing as how he'd gone through drastic physical changes, it made sense for Kairi to undergo a similar process. However, this particular look for his female friend was both expected and wildly unexpected.

Kairi stood up. "Well don't just stand there. Take care of tall and ugly, will ya?"

His eyes (well, eye, visibly) went wider the longer he stared at Kairi. "Boobs…"

Yeah, Kairi's boobs were _huge_ now. Not like unrealistically huge, but sort of like, "Whoa, look at what the doctor ordered," huge. That wasn't the only thing brand new about Kairi's look, but it sure was holding Sora's attention.

Terminator Seifer went on the offensive; throwing a fierce right hook, Seifer looked on in awe as his fist halted against Sora's gaping mug. Confused, the cybernetic assassin verbally processed the problem, "Error detected. The power of boners is strong with this one."

And it came to pass that Sora reacted erratically. Whilst a fast stream of drool sprang forth from his soon-to-be thirsty mouth, Sora took it upon himself to bear the responsibility of picking Seifer up and slamming him head-first into the grass, using enough force to bury the Terminator up to the waistline.

With the android taken care of, sort of, the infatuated vampire zeroed in on Kairi, demanding answers. "What—what happened? How come you're—?"

Sora's jaw clamped shut, courtesy of Kairi's index finger. "It's rude to drool like that, Sora. And I guess I should thank you for ruining my late night snack."

"What are you kidding? That guy was on a mission to kill you!" Cocking his head to the side, Sora asked, "And what do you mean by 'late night snack?'"

"I had him right where I wanted him, until you showed up," Kairi grumbled. With the strength of an angry wonder-woman, Kairi stole Sora by the neck and tossed him into the wall behind her, all while yelling, "DON'T STEAL MY SNACKS!"

And so, Sora's body crashed through the brick wall, landing somewhere in the middle of the school gymnasium. Rubbing his sore noggin, Sora griped, "Geez, that's an overreaction! You can say goodbye to that granola bar I was gonna get ya!"

Laughing and walking through the hole in the wall, Kairi repeated, "Granola? What makes you think a succubus wants granola?"

"I'm sorry, a suck-you-what?" Sora growled, back on his feet.

"Just watch and learn!" Reaching for the sky, Kairi shapeshifted both sets of her bat wings into cannons, firing a swarm of missiles in Sora's direction.

"Oh, boy…" Playing a dank version of baseball against each missile, Sora retaliated, "Stop this, Kairi! There's no sense in us fighting!"

While each missile exploded against Sora's Keyblade, Kairi swooped in and, without warning, pounced on Sora's unsuspecting frame, using her arms and legs to latch on to his torso. Softly, she purred in his ear, "Guess you'll make a nice treat—"

"Whoa!" Sora yelped, panicking for more reasons than one.

Placing her mouth on his, Kairi proceeded to suck out Sora's soul. There was a moment of struggling between the two, but after Kairi got situated, Sora just kind of stood there and accepted it. Fully submitting to the kiss-torture, the trapped teenager found himself deeply entranced with their current embrace.

Apparently sated for the time being, Kairi detached all contact from her victim and let him fall backwards on the hardwood floor. She held a look of admiration for the silent sleeper, eyeing every new feature of Sora's wardrobe.

"Oh, my…" She sauntered over to the passed-out youngster, scanning his dark blue pants for spare parts. "It looks like I'm not the only one who went through some 'character development.'" Finding a comfortable spot, she took a seat on Sora's pelvis, leaning in close to his lips to whisper, "That's right. Just lie still. Let your body be mine."

Sora's eyes shot wide open, glowing a deep red. Then behold, he dug his fangs into Kairi's neck.


	4. Some Lovey-Dovey Nonsense, Oh God Why

**Chapter 4: Some Lovey-Dovey Nonsense, Oh God Why**

Kairi was shocked at first, but soon, she grew impatient. Drumming her nails on the hardwood floor, she asked, "Aren't you done yet?"

Sora was sucking like no tomorrow. At this rate, it seemed he didn't mind draining her dry, so Kairi pulled him off to save her own life.

"You'd better not get any blood on my outfit." Kairi swooned a bit. "Oh, and I'd better not die from…blood…loss…"

A surge of power took over Sora's body; pushing Kairi away, he stood up and let out an echoing roar, consecrating his transformation into a creature of the night. What's more, a burly set of batwings suddenly erupted from his back, furry and slick from an unknown matter.

"GAAAAAH— _what?_ This is new!" Sora said excitedly. "I was wondering where my wings went!"

Also impressed, Kairi said, "Oh, wow. You wouldn't be overcompensating with those, would you?" She didn't get an immediate response, so she glanced down at his pants again and said, "I'd sure hope not."

Despite his chest heaving like he'd just run a marathon, Sora admitted, "Holy crap—I feel great!"

Kairi crossed her arms. "I hope that means we're even, then."

"Uh, I recall you throwing me through a wall made of bricks," Sora retaliated. "Also, missiles happened."

"Those weren't missiles—!"

"Those were totally missiles!" Tapping his boot on the floor, he asked, "What am I gonna do with you?"

Kairi smiled. "Whatever you want."

Lunging forward, Sora took the young succubus by the shoulders and attempted to feed into his bloodlust again. However, Kairi had other plans; dragging their momentum, she flew backward along the floor, and right before they collided into the wall, she threw Sora head-first into it. Positioning his back against the gym's wall, Sora found himself pinned by Kairi's stiletto heel.

"Look who's got the upper hand!" Kairi cheered for herself.

"Fool, that's a foot—oh, I see what you mean." The trapped vampire called her bluff, "You really think you can hold me here?"

Digging her heel into his chest, she replied, "It's worth a try."

Sora smirked and transfigured himself into a colony of bats. Effectively freeing himself, the swarm flew and gathered behind Kairi, sweeping her off her feet.

Kairi shrieked, "No fair! You're cheating!"

Acting on one accord, the bats started spinning their prey around in circles. Clearly too smart for that tactic, Kairi slipped free and fired more missiles from her shapeshifting wings. Many of them met their targets, exploding the bats from existence.

From the wounded bats, Sora reshaped himself. Coughing up smoke and soot, he admitted, "Wow…that was excruciating."

"There's more where that came from!" Kairi shouted. Then, drawing a page out of her self-published torture book, she transformed her wings into a sizeable spinning drill situated around her legs; flying straight for Sora like a killer bee, the hungry, hungry succubus cried out, "Get drilled, Sora!"

Sora flapped his wings and dashed backward, landing next to a forgotten basketball rack. Thinking quickly, he delivered a hefty smack to it with one of his batwings, sending the rack and balls flying in Kairi's direction.

The airborne teen shielded herself with her wings, taking her eyes off of Sora long enough to allow him to dash over and tackle her against the wall. Before she had any time to protest, Kairi found herself a victim of vampirism once more; biting deep, Sora calmly took his prize from her.

However, this time, Kairi showed no signs of being in pain. In fact, they both seemed to be pleasuring each other in quite a twisted way.

"Oh, Sora…" Kairi, erm, moaned. "You're being so gentle this time."

Pulling back to savor his, um, treat, Sora replied, "I know this isn't ideal, what with me stealing your blood for sustenance. But there's gotta be a way to return the favor."

Offering an affectionate touch on Sora's cheek, Kairi cooed back at him, "Aw, you should know by now. I'm a simple girl. It doesn't take a parade to impress me. Just do what feels natural and I'll take care of you."

Sora fully embraced her, wings and all. Then, before taking off, he whispered excitedly, "Let's blow this popsicle stand."

* * *

 **-X- Skies of Destiny Islands**

There, in the dark sky of the black night, twirling and touching and kissing and blushing, stripped of all their worries for their classmates, freely frolicking in the autumn wind, fully embracing their monstrous new identities while letting go of their past differences, deeply infatuated with their life circumstances, which brought them closer together than they ever would have imagined, horrifically inclined to exploring the assets of their sensual company, much like two lovebirds perched on the same awning with nary a reason to flee, developed from their life struggles—

"Kairi," Sora started. "You look hot tonight."

Then Kairi said, "I know."

"You want to hear something crazy?" Sora asked.

Eyeing her flying partner with a look of intrigue, Kairi let the magnetism pull her closer to Sora's arm, responding, "Don't I always."

"I can show you the world," Sora proposed in a voice indicative of a song about to play. "Shining, shimmering, splen-did!"

The two lovebats swooped down by that crooked-ass tree on their play island. Swiftly, Sora ganked a paopu fruit and continued singing, "Tell me, Princess, now when did you last let your hunger decide? I can open your thighs, take you climax by cli-max!"

Flicking the paopu fruit's shell open, Sora continued, "Over, sideways, and on your back…it's a magic harlot's ride! _A whole new world!"_

Sora had handed her a piece of the paopu, which she willingly accepted before consuming in a totally suggestive manner.

"A new fantastic way to screw!" the singing vampire added. "No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only teenagers."

Finished with her portion of the paopu, Kairi took her turn to sing. _"A whole new world!_ A dazzling place to hump with you. But when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear, that now I'm letting you touch and hold _my boob!"_

Indeed, he was clasping a boob in his left hand while she flew right below him. Already done with his piece of the sexy-fruit, Sora sang his affirmation, "Now you're letting me touch and _hold your boob!"_

Behold, Kairi reached for something behind her, out of reasonable view; instantly, Sora's uncovered eye bulged like a dinner plate. Kairi sang, "Unbelievable size! Indescribable fee-ling!" While they did flips and tricks in the sky, she added, "Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling…please treat my hips like a pie!"

Oh, God.

For a moment, Sora and Kairi were face to face, flying at a steady speed. Then with that last uber-suggestive line, Kairi pushed Sora's head down below the equator, causing them both to plummet for the ocean. As they freefell upside down, Kairi gasped. Then she proved she had pipes by singing loud and clear, " _A whole new world!"_

"Don't you dare close your thighs!" he inserted after surfacing for air. Sora's head was getting squeezed to death.

"A hundred thousand things to freak…" Kairi gasped again, changing their trajectory to a safer course toward the sky again.

"I'll hold my breath—it gets better!"

"I'm like a shooting star, I've come so hard! I can't keep wearing this outfit _because of Yuffie!"_

"Just _forget that girl!"_

"And that _thing you did right…."_

"What the _heck did you just do?"_

"My outfit's _a little bit wetter!"_

Then, they sang in unison, "Don't change that underwear! No time to spare! Let me share this whole new world with _you…"_

"A whole new world," Sora serenaded.

"A whole new world," Kairi echoed.

"For horny teens."

"For horny teens."

"A thrilling taste."

"Of humpin' your face."

"For _you and me!"_ They finished the song together, holding hands and sharing a high altitude kiss.

"Wow, I am actually regretting letting you guys finish that song," said a mysterious girl floating in the sky.

Just noticing her presence, Kairi detached lips from her pet vampire and greeted the black-haired girl, "Oh, hey there…um, don't tell me…Garnet?"

Nodding, the shorter girl replied, "Very nice, you two. That song you just sang was lewd as hell."

Scanning Garnet's mostly black and lacy outfit, which held a pair of raven wings in the back, Sora took a shot in the dark, "What are you supposed to be? A sexy penguin?"

Patiently, Garnet responded, "No, I'm a dark angel, and I just happened to be following your little escapade because, believe it or not, we still need your help."

Smacking herself, Kairi fretted, "Oh, crap—were we supposed to be doing something, weren't we?"

Snapping his fingers, Sora recalled, "Oh, yeah! Something about saving a bunch of people, right?"

"Now you're getting it. People are totally wrecking the place down there, and ever since you guys got turned into monsters, too, things have only gotten worse."

"Any reason why you're just floating above the chaos instead of doing something to fix it?" Kairi pried.

"Well, for starters, my costume keeps me really reticent about the whole situation, what with my being a humble spirit of the heavens. Also, I just don't feel like it. Angels are lazy."

"Hey, guess who suddenly feels angelic!" Sora cheered.

Scratching her head sheepishly, Kairi gave her earnest opinion, "Eh…honestly, ever since I woke up a full-fledged succubus, I've been thoroughly enjoying myself, especially with Sora. Do you think this is really such a bad thing?"

Shocked, Garnet heatedly replied, "Of course it's a bad thing! Our friends have been running amok, destroying property left and right, and the only reason the cops haven't showed up is because Selphie cast a sleeping spell on everyone who didn't come to her party."

"Oh no…I forgot about Selphie!" Sora exclaimed.

"She's been hurling spells and insults at people all night." Garnet shook her head. "I haven't seen her in about an hour, but she seemed really serious about blotting out the sun. If anyone can stop her, it's you guys."

Sighing, Kairi squeezed Sora's hand before lamenting, "Guess we'll have to put that encore on hold."

"Tch," Sora hissed. "You can play a solo if you want. I'll round up everyone before dawn even breaks."

Smiling at the hero's proposal, Garnet asked, "Are you sure? The sun rises in five hours. That might be—"

"More than enough time," the cocky vampire interrupted. "Make yourselves busy, or just float here. You can even make out with each other for all I care. I'll be on my way."

Throwing himself into a nosedive, Sora swooped for the dark island town below. Meanwhile, Garnet and Kairi stared at each other for approximately half a second before viciously making out.

Okay, that didn't happen.

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** The song is better read with the original (A Whole New World, from Alladin) playing in the background, imo.


	5. The Hunting Party

**Chapter 5: The Hunting Party**

Bequeathed from moments of salacious inquire, Sora the vampire hero of Halloween embarked on a treacherous journey to liberate those mystically hexed by a disguised crusader of dastardly ilk. And then he had plans to get to third base with Kairi.

Touching down on the street, Sora gazed up into the sky, channeling his senses for—

"Yo! Sora!"

Jumping with a surprised yelp, Sora whirled around and came face-to-face with one hell of a guy. Zidane, the devil of the party, stood there beaming at the gothic vampire, clearly impressed with his ability to jump-scare.

"Sheesh, Zidane! You almost gave me a heart attack!" Sora retorted, angrily swatting the youngster's shoulder.

With a look of serenity, Zidane chimed, "Ah, isn't it great to have a heart worth attacking? Guys like you and me have to appreciate moments like these. We won't be young forever, or so I'm told."

Chuckling, Sora said, "Well, I'm not afraid of getting old. People who sneak up on me, however, are probably gonna shorten my life."

Inhaling deeply and whipping his pointy tale around, Zidane replied, "In the words of Cole MacGrath, some might say it's better to live half as long but twice as bright."

"I'm indifferent," Sora admitted. "Oh, yeah. I spoke with Garnet just now."

Amicably, Devil-Zidane exclaimed, "Oh, wow, now you're tryna make me jealous. What'd she say? No wait—first, tell me how she looked. Was she stunningly beautiful?"

"As always," Sora replied with a smolder. "She seemed preoccupied with getting everyone under control, though."

" _Yeah_ …maybe this whole 'monster's paradise' thing was a bad idea," Zidane admitted with a sheepish grin. "I've already seen people blow up cars, break into candy shops—heck, I even saw a bunch of Vikings chase a grizzly bear. Shit was nuckin' futs, dude!"

"I don't suppose you know where Selphie might be?"

"Yeesh…haven't seen her in about an hour. Last I checked, she was randomly flying all over creation."

Shaking his head, Sora surmised, "There's no telling where she'll pop up. Look, I have to start searching. Anyone I catch, I'll bring 'em back to Selphie's house. I strongly recommend going back there yourself."

"Mm…nah, I think I'll hang out for a bit. But if I see anyone, I'll try to guide 'em back to the house, safe and sound."

Sora threw him a sidelong stare.

"What?" Zidane asked with a smirk. "It's me, the devil—someone you can trust."

Walking away, Sora said, "That's debatable, and yeah, you're definitely trying to screw me."

"Whatever you say, boss!" Zidane yelled after him.

Airborne, the dutiful vampire flew at roof-level altitudes to better view his surroundings. He located a plethora of bad situations, the nearest one coming from a colonnade situated in the park.

Honing in on the wolfman ruthlessly attempting to claw his way up a stone column, Sora yelled before touching down, "Hold it right there, Riku!"

Riku peered sideways at the approaching vamp. "Good to see ya, Sora! Nice outfit! Quick, help me get my cat outta this tree!"

"Huh? That's not a tree, and you don't have any cats…" This was a headscratcher for Sora.

"Not yet!" Wolf Riku replied. "Trust me, this special little kitty has it coming to her!"

Both teens suddenly heard a timid meow come from somewhere atop the tall column, prompting a quick bow-wow from the eager wolfman. Crossing his arms, Sora suspected Riku had clearly lost his mind. "What are you planning on doing to her, Riku?"

That's when he shot Sora a look of pure animosity. "Man, you don't even wanna know."

Pointing an accusing finger, Sora threatened him, "Don't make me take you down, Riku."

"What? I don't mind sharing…a little," he tried bargaining.

"You know I can't let you hurt her." Spotting the feline licking her paws on the column's apex, the young vamp called up to her, "Rikku! Are you okay?"

She threw the peace sign with a content grin. "Never better!"

Riku grumbled, "There needs to be a word that means 'chew, screw, and kill,' 'cuz I'm doing all that once I get my hands on you, kitty-cat!"

Sora summoned his Hellzone Key, ready to put a stop to Riku's antics. "I'm warning you, Riku. Come with me peacefully, or suffer the consequences."

Scoffing, Riku retorted, "Don't make me laugh! You know I'm a cheap-as-hell boss fight in human form. What makes you think you can stand a chance against my animal side?"

While Riku summoned his Way to the Dawn, Sora replied, "I never said it would be easy. I don't care how long it takes—I will knock some sense into you!"

Just then, the beastly teen utilized a crucial Keyblade transformation; splitting his weapon into four different sections, Wolf Riku transformed Way to the Dawn into a set of grieves and gauntlets, lethally wicked in their dark and light design.

Brandishing his gauntlets, Riku softly muttered, "Penis."

"What?" Sora dropped his guard.

 _CRACK!_ A hard right caught Sora on the jaw; Riku had dashed forward with the momentum of a transit bus, knocking Sora clean across the park's colonnade. Before colliding into another stone column, Sora uttered irritably, "What a cheap shot…"

With little to no time to react, Sora flipped upward and landed on the column's peak, narrowly avoiding another wolf-fang-punch that shattered the base of the stone structure. He yelled down at Riku, "It's over, Riku! I have the high ground!"

"You underestimate my power!" Right then and there, Riku proceeded to wallop the column over and over again, disintegrating the structure piece by piece until Sora was in reaching distance. However, before Riku had a chance to land an attack, Sora jumped and struck the wolfman from overhead, knocking him out unconscious.

Sora dusted his hands and quickly thought of a passable one-liner, "This call o' the wild is goin' straight to voicemail."

Just then, Rikku the almost-naked cat-girl landed on Sora's back with a congratulatory cheer, "Wow, Sora! That line was awful!"

She purred, so Sora responded with, "Whatever. I need to get both of you back to Selphie's house. Can you promise me you'll stay there and not cause any trouble?"

Rubbing faces with him, Rikku replied, "I pwomise, Sowa!"

* * *

 **-X- Selphie's House of Safe Safeness**

Firion was still attempting to utilize Goku's power. _"Ha…!_ Kaioken times _twenty!"_

Sora barged in with Rikku and Riku, the latter of whom still unconscious, the former of whom still riding Sora's back.

"Looks like you've been busy," Terra Branford commented. "Also, nice going with the whole vampire thing."

Yuffie couldn't hold back her disbelief. "No way that's you, Sora! How'd you get so sexy?"

"I got turned," Sora briefly explained, dropping the werewolf down on the sofa. "Snow, I need you to find something to restrain Riku with. He's gonna be a handful when he wakes up."

"Aye, aye!" Snow chimed, throwing Riku on the rug before rolling him up like a Cuban cigar.

"Terra, go ahead and look for more troublemakers with your crystal ball," Sora commanded.

She sat there with this patient look for some reason.

" _Please,"_ Sora added.

"Hm, it looks like Iris is fighting the Viking posse right by the shore," Terra reported.

"Iris at the shore—got it!" Sora exclaimed, darting for the exit.

"You sure you don't need our help, Sora?" Snow asked.

"Positive! I just need you to watch over the others for me."

Serah called over to him, "You be careful, Sora!"

"Yeah, watch yourself!" Noel added.

And so it occurred that Yuffie jumped between the door and Sora, also offering her farewell, "Yeah, be careful and stuff!"

Sora stood there waiting for the ninja-girl to finish her farewell, which involved rubbing his exposed chest as well as breathing his air. Impatient, he urged, "Erm, can you let me go?"

"Hm? Oh, sure!" Making sure to enlist as much contact between their bodies as humanly possible, Yuffie rubbed her way from Sora's path while shrieking, "Good luck!"

Flying for the island's southern shore, Sora grumbled, "These pants are way too tight."

* * *

 **-X- On the Docks**

"Don't worry, Hope!" Iris said, dressed as a Ryu-inspired Shotokan. "I won't let these fiends take away your Big Mac!"

Hope, the little guy from Final Fantasy Ex-Eye-Eye-Eye, stood there and mooed because he was a cow. Somehow able to talk, Hope added, "Oh, c'mon! I think I can do better than a Big Mac!"

While Gladio's little sister adopted a defensive fighting stance, the four Vikings closed in on the odd pair, having them trapped at the end of a dock.

Right on time to save the day, Gothic Vampire Sora swooped in and cast, "Wind!"

All four Final Fantasy Twelve characters were pulled into the magic vortex against their will, spinning them around overhead. Vaan, the Viking leader, shrieked, "DU HAST—!"

"Oh, quit speaking that fake-ass Norse-crap!" Sora yelled.

While the magic wind spell sent Vaan, Ashelia, Penelo, and Fran flying into the ocean waves, Iris bowed to the vampire cordially, offering her thanks, "You're a hero, Sora-san! They were going to slaughter Hope for sure!"

"It's not over yet," said Sora. "We'll have to incapacitate them."

Just then, Ashelia sprang up from the shallows like a horror movie villain. She did a flip and landed back on the dock, screeching, "Vikings rule!"

"Moo, very profound," Hope taunted.

"Stand down, Ashelia!" Iris commanded. "You're outnumbered!"

Suddenly, Penelo sprang up in much the same manner as Ashelia, landing right next to her Viking comrade. She cried, "We're not leaving without that ribeye steak!"

"See? That's more like it," Hope condoned.

Then, of course, Fran jumped on the scene, saying something about, "Vaan's drowning."

"Dude, help! I—I can't swim!" Viking Vaan was currently splashing around in water too deep for his liking.

"Do you promise not to eat Hope?" Sora asked.

"Yeah, sure—whatever, dude, just help me!" Vaan continued to panic.

Turning to the three Viking girls, Sora also asked them, "What about you guys?"

"Can we get something to snack on at home?" Fran asked.

"Sure, but only if you share," said Sora.

All three shrugged, followed by Ashe, Penelo, and Fran agreeing, "Sure." "Okay." "Sounds good to me."

Meanwhile, Vaan was seriously close to giving up. "Guys, I might not make it!"

Just as Sora was about to offer assistance, Penelo halted him, "No, no. Don't help him. If you do, he won't learn."

"Guys, don't let me die!" Vaan cried one last time before sinking.

Suddenly, a voice from above stated, "Now that's just cruel, people!"

Descending down to rescue the Pirate-Viking, a certain redheaded succubus reprimanded all those in attendance, "Were you really just going to let this guy drown?"

"Yes," said everyone besides…

"No," Sora said. "Not really."

Dripping wet in Kairi's grip, Vaan profusely thanked his rescuer, "Oh, thank you Princess Kairi! I almost kicked the bucket!"

"Consider us even for that time in Jak's world," Kairi retorted. Don't ask. **(1)**

* * *

 **-X- Approaching Downtown**

After dropping off Iris, Hope the cow, and the Vikings at Selphie's house, Sora and Kairi booked it for their next target: Swamp Thing Wakka attacking ducks in a river.

"There's still no sign of Selphie!" Kairi lamented. "I get the feeling she's laying low until dawn breaks, that way she can swoop in and deal with the rising sun."

"She always thought she was clever." An idea came to Sora's mind. "Maybe we can try to lure her out by creating a fake sun?"

"I'm not followin'," Kairi stated.

"Say we find a way to make the sky bright enough to simulate daytime. Then Selphie will have to come out of hiding!"

"It's risky, but it could work. And who knows where we're gonna find all that light, anyway?"

"We'll worry about it later." Pointing at a river connecting both ends of the mainland, Sora said, "We'd better deal with Wakka first."

Down below, Wakka was practicing his breakdancing on the river's bridge. Loud enough for Sora and Kairi to hear, the swamp-dude muttered to himself, "Heel-toe, heel-toe…pelvic thrust, butt-spin, heel-toe…"

"Sick moves, Wakka!" Sora complimented, landing on one end of the bridge.

"Yeah, you really have…something!" Kairi also added, landing opposite Sora.

Standing to his slimy feet, Wakka cackled and said, "I thought you two would never show up!"

"Have no fear, the scream-team is here!" Sora said that. "C'mon, we're here to rescue you."

"Sora, you fool—I'm in no need of rescue! _But soon, you shall be!"_ And with that suggestion, Wakka hurled a slippery vine from his arm, snagging Sora around the neck.

Holding out her fist (that'd be a Morrigan reference), Kairi commanded, "You let Sora go!"

"Not so hasty!" Shooting another vine, Wakka took Kairi hostage around her legs, dragging then chucking her whole body in Sora's direction.

After slamming right into the dumbstruck vampire, Kairi complained, "Hey, why didn't you turn into a bunch of bats?"

"I saw you coming and got excited," Sora retorted, rubbing his sore noggin.

"You fools!" Wakka suddenly bellowed, leaping high into the air.

"You know, you coulda shot your missiles, now that I think about it," Sora inferred.

 _WHAM!_ Wakka landed with an aggressive tree-trunk punch to Sora's facial features.

"Not in the face! I love that face!" Kairi reacted quickly by morphing her wings into a pair of giant razor blades, spinning in place to slash Wakka multiple times.

Slamming the ground with his tree-trunk fist, Swamp Wakka bellowed, "Begone!"

Just then, a puddle of green water collected beneath Kairi. By the time she realized what was happening, a geyser of swamp water exploded from beneath her, sending her flying into the river.

Finally mustering the strength, Sora kicked Wakka off of him. He couldn't help but look agitated. Massaging his face, Sora said, "First Seifer, then Riku, now you. I am getting so sick of people punching me in the face!"

"That's what happens when you oppose the queen!" Wakka chimed. Replacing his tree-trunk fist with a regular swamp-fist, he extracted a long branch from his body. "Say hello to my little branch!"

Summoning his own weapon, Sora admitted, "I'm just glad you didn't make a dick-joke."

"Dammit…" Wakka muttered in regret.

It was then that Kairi surfaced from the river. She shook herself from top to bottom, grumbling irritably, "I'm thinkin' this outfit is just about done for the night."

Dodging a cut from Sora, Wakka vaulted backwards to the middle of the bridge. There, he taunted his opponents, "I don't have all night! Can't you see that I'm _swamped?"_

"Maybe we should just throw him into outer space," Kairi proposed as she flew over to Sora's end of the bridge.

"Be my guest, if you wanna touch 'im," Sora replied.

Wakka kept on quipping, "Don't you know at the end of every game is a _moss battle?"_

"We have to put a stop to this," Kairi stated seriously.

Laughing, Wakka dropped another one, "I don't mean to sound _marsh,_ but I'm here to _bog_ you down!"

"Okay, that's crossing the line," Sora growled.

Once more. "Say goodbye to your last _life-vine!"_

"You filthy bastard!" Kairi screeched, lunging for the wisecracking freak of nature.

Expecting Kairi's outburst, Wakka vaulted off the bridge and back on land, hollering, "Do it now, Bartz!"

Hearing something rocket-propelled streak through the air, Sora followed his instincts and flew straight for Kairi, tackling her off the bridge. "Look out!"

As they hit the ground beyond the bridge, Sora and Kairi jumped at the sound of an explosion. To their annoyance, they saw that the bridge was completely destroyed. Watching flaming pieces fall from the sky, Sora sighed and said, "Let's agree that none of this is our fault."

"Looks like we've got more trouble!" Kairi pointed out.

Standing next to Wakka the Swamp Creature was Bartz as a six-foot-tall autonomous mech suit. Apparently teamed up with Wakka, Bartz from Final Fantasy Five commanded, "Surrender, both of you! Or face the wrath of Selphie!"

"Not happening!" Kairi yelled. Then in a whisper, she asked, "You think we need Riku's help, Sora?"

Not entirely sure, Sora responded, "We might, but I still think I can take 'em out myself."

Scheming something, Kairi added, "If anything, we can get them to lead us to Selphie! Apparently, they're her mind-controlled lackeys!"

"I heard that!" Bartz suddenly shrieked. "We'll be leading you to captivity until you come around to Selphie's awesome plan! Also, we're not mind-controlled—we actually want to do this!"

"But why though?" Sora interrogated.

"There's just something about your face that makes me wanna punch it off!" Bartz threatened, raising his mechanical fist.

Giggling lightheartedly, Kairi said, "Join the club."

"Well, I'm glad you told me that," Sora admitted, pointing his Hellzone Key like an accusing finger. "Now, I've got no reason to go easy on ya."

Brandishing a blitzball coupled with his big stick, Wakka growled, "You gonna get it, Key-Boy!"

"Hope you've got health insurance!" Bartz added, summoning a laser sword.

Taking a fighting stance next to Kairi, Sora beckoned his opponents, "You two look really stupid."

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** Look out! It's more fan art!

 **1)** That was about Kairi falling unconscious due to a car accident Rude from FF7 caused while attempting to street race with hooligans in Haven City, a location in the Jak and Daxter games. She was riding shotgun, but managed to survive in one piece. Anyhow, Vaan rescued her from Rude's recklessness, smuggling her unconscious body aboard his flying pirate ship. (Ch. 2-3 of **Sora Must Die** )


	6. Deep-Sixed

**Chapter 6: Deep-Sixed**

"Kairi—bring out the missiles!" Sora ordered.

"Right!" Transforming her wings, Kairi fired a bevy of lovely missiles, all headed in Wakka's and Bartz' direction. That's when Sora transformed himself into a flock of bats, commanding each creature to swarm their opponents for a chance to confuse them.

While Bartz used his thrusters to dash away, Wakka consumed the missile barrage head-on. Sora regained his humanoid form a few meters in front of Bartz, suggesting, "If you're stupid enough to work for Selphie, you have no right thinking you can beat me."

The autonomous mech suit began, "Before my father died—"

"Skip," Sora inserted cheekily.

"—he told me to explore the world and see all I can see. I don't know who gave me these powers or why, but clearly this should be seen as a blessing to carry on my father's dying wish! And I won't let you get in my way!"

Leaning on his Keyblade like a cane, Sora made a stab at logic, "Well, that's cool and all, but you can still explore places as a regular human. Besides, you know magic. That beats dumb old robots any day."

"Uh, well—you know, I just, uh…I'm an awesome robot!" Losing his grip, Bartz charged forth, readying his laser sword for a critical strike. "I won't let you make sense!"

Parrying his oncoming strike, Sora retaliated with a callous upward slash to the head, also offering a genuine apology, "Sorry to break it to you, but these powers are more dangerous than useful. Even today, I almost killed Kairi, like twice."

Speaking of Kairi, the evil fairy-girl was in the middle of landing a drill-kick in the swamp monster's face-area. Noticing Wakka didn't even stagger, Kairi landed on the ground and cursed, "Shit. How do you phase this guy?"

Wakka let out a maniacal laugh, then saying, "You know, Kairi? Ever since you got hot in KH Two, I've always wanted to leave you moist and soggy…"

" _Gross,"_ Kairi said with a shudder.

"And now, tonight's my lucky night!" Splitting himself into two, count 'em, TWO Wakka Swamp Monsters, the mossy blitzball player guided his clone for a slimy team-attack. "Or should I say _our lucky night!_ I hope you don't mind a little 'Double Swamp-etration!'"

"Oh, God," Kairi fretted, dodging boggy blitzballs and tree-branch strikes left and right.

Pausing in his skirmish to offer Kairi advice, Sora shouted over to her, "Hey, did you forget you're a succubus? You can create a clone of yourself, too!"

Jumping over a tree-trunk punch from Wakka, Kairi exclaimed incredulously, "WHAT? No fucking way!"

"Yeah!" Sora affirmed, blocking a string of laser sword attacks. "Remember how Morrigan did it?"

Shooting a magic fireball from her fist, Kairi scored a hit and said, "Yeah, barely. Wait a minute, you said you didn't remember who Morrigan was!"

Right before launching into the sky, Sora said, "Sorry, can't talk now!"

While Bartz rocketed off after him, Kairi racked her brain for any techniques Morrigan may have revealed at one point. "C'mon, Kairi—think!"

Just then, one of the Wakkas threw an overhead swing of the tree branch, of which the stymied succubus had no choice but to block with her forearms. The other Wakka saw an opportunity and shot some slippery vines at Kairi's waistline, wrapping around for a quick reel-in.

Sensing she was about to be devoured into Wakka's gaping mouth-hole, Kairi used her wings to slash the vines and free herself. After quickly regaining her bearings, Kairi soon found that both Wakkas had disappeared.

Peering all around her, she then started hearing slimy noises resonate beneath her feet. She looked down and learned escape was too late; Wakka had regressed into his puddle-form to sneak up on the unsuspecting succubus, exploding back into his terrifying original form. Before she could fly away, Kairi found herself tightly wrapped in a bear hug with the blitzballing swamp creature, feeling herself become absorbed into his murky contents.

Panicking, Kairi screamed, "Oh, please—not me!"

"The more you struggle, the swampier I become!" Wakka said with a sneer.

"Oh, God—it's getting everywhere!" Kairi shrieked, barely able to keep her head from sinking in.

"Don't be so shy, Kai'! I hear it's actually pretty cozy inside—"

 _B-B-BANG!_ A series of explosives detonated against Wakka at close range, courtesy of Kairi's shape-shifting wings. Although she had taken damage in the process, she managed to explode large chunks of Wakka's swampy body, finally freeing herself.

Meanwhile, Sora had heard the explosion during his airborne skirmish with the mech suit; glancing downward, he noticed Kairi flying away from Wakka's smoking form, soaring deeper into the island, definitely city-bound. Unwilling to see her travel alone, Sora abandoned his current scuffle and took flight, Mech Suit Bartz hot on his trail.

"Sora, you fool!" Bartz called after his prey. "There is no escape from an elite killing machine!"

"Whatever, Nameless Wanderer, just keep up!" Sora yelled back, keeping a bead on Kairi's fleeing butt.

"Take this!" Bartz suddenly shouted.

"Oh, crap." The robotic stalker had transformed one hand into a flashing, whirring laser cannon. Pulling some serious aerial maneuvers, Sora dodged a total of three beam-fires before taking a hit on the right wing.

He plummeted from a dangerous height, no longer able to see where Kairi flew off to. He briefly turned into a cloud of bats to soften his landing atop a gas station roof, where he groaned in annoyance mixed with agony. Standing up to his feet, he watched Bartz descend on the rooftop with his laser-sword in-hand.

Itching to speed up the recovery of his damaged wing, Sora noted, "You know it's too bad you don't bleed, Bartz."

"I don't," he replied, flourishing his sword, "but you do."

"Bring it on!" Sora coaxed.

The two rivals clashed once again, hitting laser with Keyblade multiple times to reveal an even struggle. But suddenly, Bartz pulled a new strategy from his sleeve. While both their weapons were locked in a sword clash, Bartz held out his free hand, pointing at Sora with his index finger. Then, with a treacherous smirk, he said, "Pull my finger."

Confused, Sora stammered, "Uh, wha'?"

Without warning, Mecha Bartz's hand detached and rocketed from his arm, propelling itself into Sora's chest. This resulting inertia caused Sora's body to go flying backward with the metallic hand propelling him. Before he could escape via bat-swarm, Sora felt himself slam into the brick wall of the adjacent building, where he bounced and fell into the alley.

Picking himself off a pile of trash bags, the disgruntled vampire remarked, "I bet Kairi's having a good time…"

* * *

 **-X- Downtown Destiny Islands**

"Now I definitely need to ditch this costume," Kairi grumbled, staring at her own reflection in a storefront's window. She shuddered, swearing, _"I'm gonna kill Wakka."_

"Foolish."

"AAH!" Kairi screamed, whirling around to see…nothing at all. Looking all around for the source of the feminine voice, Kairi asked, "Who said that?"

"Dead girl."

Screaming again, Kairi swore she heard someone say that directly in her ear. She took on a fighting stance, announcing her bravery, "Don't make me use my—er, Morrigan's Soul Fist!"

The strange entity approached Kairi from behind, touching her back and saying, "Thief."

Jumping in fright, Kairi whirled around to find Fuu dressed as a creepy clown princess. Frustrated, the succubus chastised her, "FUU! Don't do that! No! Bad Fuu!"

Fanning her nose, Clown Fuu commented, "Swampy."

"Oh, screw you! This is all Wakka's fault." Crossing her arms with a peeved look, she inquired, "Say, you wouldn't happen to know how to destroy a swamp monster, would ya?"

Tapping her chin in thought, Fuu thought about it before responding with, "Incineration."

"Eureka!" Kairi shrieked, snapping her fingers. Scanning the immediate area, she added, "I'll give that scum-lover a blazing-hot forest fire. And I think I know just how to do it…"

"Stay alive." And with that, Fuu reduced herself into a pile of cockroaches via some sort of creepy-clown transformation.

Watching all the roaches crawl away, Kairi couldn't help but say, "What the actual fuck."

Meanwhile, Wakka had slowly recovered from Kairi's previous desperation move, trudging through the empty streets of Downtown Destiny Islands. The streets weren't so much empty but rather mostly destroyed and desolate; countless cars were crashed into buildings, streetlights, or other cars, all with their passengers passed out asleep behind the wheel.

"Sheesh, Selphie better have a plan to clean up this mess!" Wakka remarked. Suddenly, he heard a girl's crying just beyond a crashed petroleum truck. Recognizing that voice, Wakka muttered with a smirk, "So, the chase continues…"

Leaping on top of the truck's fuel silo, Swamp Wakka spotted the crying girl weeping on the ground below, announcing his presence like a typical horror movie villain, "Don't mean to _shrub_ you the wrong way, Kairi!"

Pretending to be in danger, Kairi yelped, "Oh no! What ever will I do?"

"You will become a part of me, Princess!" He leapt down, screeching, "Prepare to freak with the wetlands!"

She back-flipped out of the way, retorting, "Think again, dick-weed!"

As soon as Wakka landed, Kairi extended her wing into a sharp blade, piercing the mass of moss and marsh through the chest. Wakka laughed, gloating, "Don't you get it? I am become filth. Your weapons cannot harm me!"

Retracting her wing-blade, Kairi winked and said, "I think you should watch your six."

Something was splashing Wakka from behind; turning around, he noticed Kairi's wing not only pierced his body, but also the petroleum truck's steel silo behind him. Now drenched in midgrade petroleum, Wakka turned back to Kairi with a look of horror, screaming, "We could've been somebody—!"

"Burn, baby!" Kairi quipped before firing a Morrigan Aensland-esque fireball into Wakka's body. After watching him light up like a Winter Holiday Tree (or something), Kairi turned around, smacked her booty, and said, "This right here, strictly a No-Swamp-Zone!"

* * *

 **-X- One District Over**

Sora was having a hard time keeping up with the fierce mech suit. Lately, he'd been using his powers at a pretty high frequency, what with turning into bats, healing from scratches, and even flying to and from places. On top of all that, he'd suffered countless injuries that were taking longer to heal on their own. What he needed now was…

"Blood…" Sora whispered, kneeling in the middle of the street. That's when he heard an explosion resound from one district over, shortly followed by the sight of smoke rising. "That doesn't sound good."

"This is your last chance, Sora!" Bartz stated, stalking closer and closer. "You can either cooperate with Selphie's plan, or meet the stake."

"In that case, I'll go for medium rare." Sora's vision started blurring. If he didn't find something to feed on soon, he might just wither away.

"Look at you. You can't even stand up." Bartz chuckled. "Boy, am I glad I didn't choose some pansy vampire outfit."

No longer able to kneel, Sora succumbed to his hunger and fell forward on the ground. His pain was something he'd never faced before, like an unreal force pulling him from the inside. Mustering a glance up at the war machine towering above him, he strained to say, "Gimme your best shot…"

Picking up his weakened prey by the hair, Bartz held his laser sword up to the thirsting vampire's throat. Then, he told him with an acidic edge, "Gladly."

"That's enough, Butts. I can take it from here."

Descending on the scene via broomstick magic came a certain self-proclaimed Queen of Halloween. Surprising both boys, she smiled intensely at the vampire sneering back at her.

Annoyed, Bartz replied, "Hey, I told you not to call me that! _Dissidia: Final Fantasy_ made it pretty clear my name is Bartz!"

"Whatever, Butts," Selphie brushed him off, turning her attention to Sora. "Well aren't you a sight for red eyes."

It was true; Sora's eyes had gone from blue to glowing red, and they were both sick of Selphie's crap. Low on patience, Sora got to the point, "Listen, Selphie, I'd really appreciate it if you stopped causing chaos. We're the warriors of light, remember?"

"Silence, heathen! Now I understand you're running pretty low on vamp-juice, are you not?" Selphie snapped her fingers, making a plastic Capri Sun pouch appear out of thin air. "Look what I have here! This one's O-positive flavor."

Eyes ballooning wide, Sora begged, "Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

Selphie pulled back the vamp-drink. "Not so fast, fang-banger! I hear you've been trying to ruin my plans of late. First, can you tell me what's so bad about having Halloween every day of the year?"

Sighing, Sora explained, "Yeah, there's plenty. You made everyone outside the party fall asleep, so now we've got a ton of car accidents full of people who don't even know that they're screwed yet. A lot of our friends who used to be good guys are now looting and pillaging the whole island. Also, we don't even know who turned us into monsters in the first place. What if that person comes back and messes with your brilliant plan? You've got no control over that!"

"Dammit, Sora, I told you to stop making sense!" Mecha Bartz snarled.

Irritated beyond belief, Sora yelled, "Hey! Let go of my hair already!"

"Let him go, Butthead," Selphie commanded, sitting cross-legged on her broom. "Why don't you go scout the area for your queen? Look for accomplices and bring them back to me, Butts."

Butts dropped Sora to the ground, glaring daggers back at Selphie before dashing away at a high speed. Meanwhile, the proud witch surmised, "I see there's no convincing you, Sora. Perhaps I am better off joining you…"

Standing up to dust his coat off, Sora proposed, "That's a good start, Selphie. You and I can track down the culprit together."

"Or. You could shut up and take my side."

With a snap of the fingers, Selphie threw Sora into a deep state of hypnosis. Eyes glowing red and bulging out, Sora stuttered, "What…w-w-what just happened?"

"You work for me, now. I am your Infinitely Attractive Queen of Halloween, and you will listen to what I say."

Twitching like a lunatic, Sora replied, "B-B-But I don't wanna!"

Casting magic with hypnotic hand gestures, Selphie commanded, "You will follow my orders, Sora! Now, kneel before me and kiss the ring finger of your queen!"

Suddenly, Sora found himself kneeling in submission to the wicked witch. Then, with reluctant motions, he took Selphie by the hand and delivered an honorary kiss.

Chortling in victory, Selphie shrieked, "Prepare yourself, Sora! For tonight, we attack the queen's traitors!"

Looking up suddenly, the hypnotized Sora began panting with his tongue hanging out, signifying his killer thirst.

"Oh, right." Selphie handed over that Capri Sun, which was sucked dry in five seconds flat.

Momentarily sated, Sora stated through his trance, "Ready to serve, your majesty."

"Good. Now stand by while I fetch—oh, it seems she's already here. Oh, Elsa," Selphie called with a sneaky tone. "Do you mind lowering the temperature a bit?"

Stepping out of the shadows, the mysterious hooded figure from before revealed herself. Dropping her hood, the white-haired woman asked, "Really? Why so soon?"

Selphie smiled deviously. "I want those party-poopers to feel a cold snap when I get through with them."

Elsa, the chick from Frozen, smiled back and conceded to her request. "No problem, witchy-woman. One cold snap, coming up."


	7. Got No Reflection

**Chapter 7: Got No Reflection**

Kairi surfaced from the river, whipping her hair back to make a strong point: she wouldn't be fighting any more swamp monsters any time soon. The river certainly wasn't a bubble bath, but it did the trick, thoroughly washing away the essence of Swamp Wakka. Finally, standing in the waist-high current, Kairi was back to being content. And naked, too.

Just as she breathed a sigh of relief, behold, a mermaid swam up from the depths, definitely startling the once tranquil succubus.

"Whoa!" Kairi shrieked.

"Don't be afraid, I'm a friendly!" said the teenaged mermaid. "Aren't you glad I didn't dress up as a piranha?"

"Yeah…Krile, right?"

The blonde mermaid nodded. "That's me! I sure was getting lonely until I spotted you bathing upstream."

Moving her hair in front for the sake of censorship, Kairi replied, "Well, I'm happy to keep you company. You should've seen the last bunch of creeps I was running with."

"Did one of them happen to be an emo-looking skeleton?" Krile asked, gesturing toward a nearby rock sitting on land.

Following her hand, Kairi hummed in confusion, "Uh…what?"

"C'mon out, Zex-Ienzo, or whatever your name is!" Krile called.

"Crap…" said a young man's voice. And so it happened, there behind the rock, that a skeleton dude with emo blue hair stepped out and announced himself, "Hey, it's me."

"Ienzo!" Kairi chastised. "How long have you been spying on me?"

Telling the truth, Ienzo, the former Nobody, stated matter-of-factly, "Well, I arrived here when I first heard someone singing 'Firework' by Katy Perry off-key, prompting me to investigate said singing with cautious footsteps, which tend to come out quieter when you're completely made of bones—"

"How long?!" Kairi shouted.

"I saw the whole show," Ienzo fessed up.

"What a boner," Krile quipped.

Thinking of something, Kairi said, "Hey…I remember seeing your book being used by that woman in the coat! What gives, Bonesy-Boy?"

"Oh, that," Ienzo addressed the matter like a sour memory. "My lexicon was stolen from me around the time I arrived at the party, and unfortunately…I was already too intoxicated to go looking for it or care. But when that hooded person cast the spell on everyone, I instantly recognized the green lights as an effect of my lexicon!"

"You should've told us sooner! But at least we know more about the culprit…"

"Hellooooo!" Terra Branford's voice suddenly echoed throughout the area. "Yo, Kairi! You there?" Materializing from thin air, a magic husk of fog revealed a hi-definition feed of Terra's disinterested face. Rubbing the screen with her hand, she tried again, "Test, test. Can anybody see or hear me?"

Hands on her hips, Kairi muttered, "This bath is getting too crowded." Then, she answered, "Yo, Terra, what's up?"

"Good. Well Kairi, I just wanted to let you know that I've pinpointed Selphie's location. And she's headed in your direction. Also, she has Bartz and two giant lizard monsters on her side. Oh, and she hypnotized Sora, or something, so he's working with her now."

"What?!" Kairi shouted in disbelief. "Goddammit, Sora! Some vampire you are…"

"Don't worry, girlfriend," Terra stated. "I've dispatched a friendly wolfman to come and assist you, and we all made him promise not to go rogue again. Or we'd put a silver bullet in his ass."

"I guess I'm thankful. Where is he now?"

* * *

 **-X- Approaching the River**

"Selphie, I'm picking up at least three heat signatures on my high-tech future-ey radar," Bartz reported.

Flying on her broom right next to the fighting robot, the Queen of Halloween replied, "I can smell their fear. We are close to defeating our enemies."

Tailing not far behind the pair were two flying dragons, one with pink hair and one with purple. There, riding atop the pink-haired dragon was Sora; Elsa, still donning the black cloak, was riding the dragon with purple hair.

Eyeballing Sora with a smirk, Elsa commented, "I sure hope you're ready to deal with any resistance."

He simply gave Elsa a blank stare.

She frowned. "Hey. At least compliment my hair or something."

Sora looked ahead again, silent in his reproach.

Meanwhile, Bartz gave out another status report, "Yo, Selph! It looks like two of those heat signatures are resonating from the river just below us. Also, there's a faint, skeleton-shaped douchebag who's radiating a ton of pervy energy from his pelvic region!"

"That must be Zexion," Selphie surmised. "Let's go surprise our guests with a grand reentrance!"

"Right on!"

There in the sky, the witch and mobile suit swooped down by the river's edge, generating a dramatic amount of wind to surprise Kairi and Krile. Zexion was standing on the opposite edge, having the eyebrows and invisible balls to glare up and shout, "You would be wise to halt your shenanigans, you dastardly pair of demons!"

"Quiet, Zexy, the grown-ups are talking," Selphie reprimanded with a smirk. "Where does the time go, Kairi? It seems like just three hours ago when you told me, 'Bitch, your time was yesterday.' Well, _bitch_ , I've returned to tell you your time is up and my time is _now!"_

On cue, Mecha Bartz started playing John Cena's theme via shoulder-mounted boom box.

"Excellent work, Butts," Selphie congratulated, albeit backhandedly.

Nervously swimming in place next to Kairi, Krile the mermaid commented, "Well, it looks like this fight is between the two of you, so I'm just gonna swim this way, and we'll laugh and we'll play…"

"There's no escape." Just then, the two dragons with colorful hairstyles swooped down to greet everyone, landing on either side of Bartz and Selphie. What grabbed Kairi's attention was the fact that she instantly recognized one of the riders but gradually came to realize who the once hooded woman was all along.

"No way," she uttered in disbelief. "Is that…Elsa? And Sora, you can't really be working for her, can you?"

While Sora remained uncharacteristically silent, Selphie answered for him, "Of course, he is under my control—"

"You know, I just thought of something," Bartz blurted out. "How come you don't just put everyone under your mind control? You know, just cast a spell to keep everyone in line? Just seems like it would make more sense when you stop and think about it."

Highly annoyed, we're talking seething at the mouth, Selphie replied curtly, "Really. You're bringing this up _now."_

Nonchalant as ever, Bartz said, "Well, yeah. It just seems dumb to not cast a spell on everyone when, clearly, you possess the talent, or whatever, to hex a large amount of people at once. Why not just make everyone who opposes you fall asleep until dawn? It'd make things go a lot smoother, that's for sure."

"You…goddamned…" Selphie growled.

"What, maker of sense?" Bartz quipped. "Just explain that one to me—"

"I can't multitask my magic that well, OKAY! It was hard enough putting that huge-ass spell over the whole town, so much so that I needed Elsa's help to make the conjuring possible—oh, and then throwing Thirsty McGee over here under mind-control was a pretty taxing task to say the least—"

"Hmph," Sora grunted with a slight smirk.

"To top it off," Selphie added, looking winded, "I think all this spellcasting is making my skin peel."

Indeed, some of the skin on her face was peeling off like old paint, revealing a sickly green pigment right beneath it.

"Bitchcraft not lookin' so hot, is it Selphie?" Kairi wisecracked.

"Silence, you naked harlot! I'll show you just how cold my witchy-wrath can be! Elsa, that's your cue!"

Excitedly, Elsa conceded, "One pipin' hot blizzard, coming up!"

Giving a single clap of the hands, Elsa performed a stunning amount of ice magic that dramatically pierced the air like a softly blown dandelion. Instantly, the river's temperature began dropping, prompting Krile to anxiously whine, "Oh, I knew I should've swam this way…"

Feeling the water begin to harden around her, Kairi scornfully derided the skeleton behind her, "Guess it's your lucky day, Bonesy-Boy. The show goes on!"

She suddenly sprouted her wings, using them to soar out of the river before it froze her inside. Krile, attempting to swim this way from the cold snap, was not as lucky, becoming an underwater statue in no time flat.

Meanwhile, Kairi stuck the landing on the river's edge closest to Selphie and her gang. Still using her hair for censorship, a surprisingly comfortable-in-her-skin Kairi held her hands to her hips and commanded, "Let's cut the crap. Who do I have to beat some sense into first to show you I'm not playing around?"

Selphie replied—

Oh, wait. First, let's observe that Sora was blushing with a shower of sweat falling down, Zexion's cheek bones were burning up with trails of blood somehow leaking out of his hollow nostrils, and Mecha Bartz delivered an astonished whistle of approval.

Even the dragon with light purple hair commented in a monstrously feminine voice, "Wow. Not bad."

Not impressed, Selphie punned, "Well, let's not beat around the _bush_ , then. Sora…"

"Whuh?" the horny vampire huffed.

"I order you to destroy her…and that's not a euphemism. Literally kill her."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Sora grunted back.

"She's lost her mind," muttered Kairi. Sensing an opportunity to thwart her plans, Kairi continued to be a naked chick, flaunting her goods while saying, "You heard your mistress, Sora. Go ahead and try to stop this…"

Momentarily looking stymied, Sora looked around at everyone watching his every move before deciding to calm down his chakra. Finally, he shot Kairi a battle-ready stare, nodding once before hopping off of the dragon's back.

However, right when he'd launched himself in the air, he made sure to deliver a slow-motion stealthy wink of the eye to the nude succubus down below.

Adeptly, Kairi caught this brief signal.

Sora landed a mere three feet in front of the princess, dialing up the intensity by a few ticks. Keeping his eyes trained on her slightly confused blue irises, Sora gave her a small assuring nod before catapulting his palm into her sternum. This sudden, focused attack caused Kairi to shoot backwards onto the frozen surface of the river, where she slid chaotically until catching her balance via wing-mutation.

Not sure what to trust, Kairi gazed into Sora's eyes again, thus becoming reassured that her vampire lover wasn't so mind-controlled after all…

None the wiser, Selphie cheered on, "Good, Sora! Now turn her into a Whore-Cicle!"

Lightly jumping down onto the icy surface of the river, Sora approached his faux-prey in long, deliberate steps, silently mouthing the words, _"On three!"_

Totally getting the picture, Kairi made an approving kissy-face.

Sora held out his hands to look threatening, though he was definitely flustered again. _"One."_

Kairi adopted a Morrigan-inspired fighting stance, waiting for the signal.

" _Two…"_

"Look at her naked ass shaking in fright! Maybe I should make her my personal stripper or backup dancer?" Selphie was quite annoying that night.

"THREE!" Seizing Kairi around the waistline, Sora used some serious nonhuman strength to throw Kairi in Selphie's direction, then launching himself to unleash a surprise attack on Bartz.

"Oh, HELL NO!" Selphie shrieked, unable to stop the hurtling princess from tackling her from her broom.

Meanwhile, Sora had summoned the Hellzone Key, moving with enough velocity to pierce Bartz through the chest compartment. Taking the time to deliver an honorary one-liner, he muttered vengefully, "Looks like you should've left this mech suit…at the cleaners"

"Wow, way to make me hate my life," said an overwhelmingly face-palmed Bartz.

Kicking off and ripping his sword free, Sora landed and watched a geyser of oil shoot from his wounded opponent's chest, flourishing his Keyblade to cast a decisive magic spell.

"Fire!"

Like a homing missile, the gust of flame zeroed in on Bartz and exploded him to metallic bits and pieces.

Sora had one more in him. "Guess he got too…hot under the collar."

"BARTZ!" the pink-haired dragon suddenly shrieked. "You're going to pay for that, you odious vampire!"

"Oh, shit he got smoked," said the purple-haired dragon. "Maybe we should cut our losses and fly back home?"

Casually, Sora replied, "Settle down, girls. I'm sure there's some convoluted way to bring back the Butthead."

"My, my, Sora," Elsa began, still perched on the purple-haired reptile. "You sure have a penchant for violent behavior. What if you had just permanently killed poor Bartz? How would you explain that to Square Enix?"

"Relax, I'll throw him a Phoenix Down when this is all over. Besides, he was annoying, and speaking of annoying…"

Kairi was in the middle of keeping Selphie in a tight headlock on the ground, clearly possessing the upper hand. Upon seeing Sora stand over them with a playfully victorious grin, the defeated witch bemoaned her failure, "I don't get it! How in the world did you resist my hypnotism?!"

"Oh, c'mon, Selphie! No vampire worth his salt is gonna let himself become hypnotized. It's one of our trademark abilities, don't ya know?"

Skin peeling off in chunks from head to toe, Selphie wailed, "You will rue the day you double crossed the Queen of—"

She received a sharp jab in the back of the head, courtesy of Kairi. Standing over the unconscious witch, the naked succubus declared, "That's a nice outfit, Your Highness. Allow me to keep it safe for you."

With a snap of the fingers, Kairi summoned her own magic swarm of bats, all of which politely lifted Selphie's black and red tube-top, miniskirt, boots, and other pieces. As the bats stripped Selphie down to dress Kairi up, Sora shook his head in irritation, audibly pondering, "I can't believe you were working for Elsa this whole time, Selphie."

"On the contraire, Junior Dracula," Elsa suddenly spoke up, standing behind them. "Selphie didn't become a pawn in my plan until after I'd turned her into that monster…"

Sora and Kairi glanced back at the unconscious witch, noticing her skin had completely peeled to reveal a goblin-esque appearance.

"She got on board eventually, like everyone else who'd tasted the freedom. Well, everyone except you two."

Clenching his fist, Sora demanded, "This ends now, Elsa! Turn everyone back, and we won't have to hurt you."

Laughing like an evil ice witch, Elsa spat, "You fool! If I were you, I'd be more worried about my dragon fighting skills. Lenna, Faris—ATTACK!"

Behold, the two dragons, formerly human sisters from Final Fantasy Five, roared in unison before charging at the two young teens. Taking fighting stances, Sora and Kairi found themselves awash with relief as a certain silver-haired ally landed a fierce dropkick into Faris' scaly face, causing her to ricochet into her sister.

"Boy, are we glad to see you!" Kairi greeted.

"I take it that means you're back on our side," Sora observed.

"You know it." Walking like a hardboiled killer, Riku stated, "I figured you guys needed my expertise."

Meanwhile, Elsa cursed, "Damn it to hell—I didn't expect the raging wolfman to turn over a new leaf!"

"Yeah, well, Terra's got some pretty convincing methods," said Riku with a spooked shudder.

"Curses! Don't expect those dragon sisters to go easy on you!" And with that, Elsa channeled her ice magic into the river again, causing the ice to rise and create a twisting, winding pathway into the dark sky. She jumped and propelled herself along the ice-track, daring to make a quick getaway.

Eyeing the recovering pair of dragons, Riku commanded, "You two go after her! I'll hold off these overgrown lizards until you make her turn us back!"

Sora asked, "Did Terra send anyone else to back you up?"

Summoning his Keyblade gauntlets again, Riku replied, "Just me and my swinging dong. I can handle these two, just go!"

Taking the lead, Kairi said, "We're counting on you, Riku! C'mon Sora!"

"Right!"

Latching onto Sora's back, Kairi morphed her wings into a pair of rocket thrusters, propelling them both along the icy track in search of Elsa; after watching them take off, Riku went battle-ready and held off the jaws of an angry Faris.

Sensing he was about to be cooked by a breath of fire, Riku reeled back and walloped the purple-haired dragon with all his might, sending her flying away. Ready for Lenna's attack, he taunted her, "Consider this a warning: I'm not afraid to hit girl dragons!"

Unimpressed, Lenna said, "And I'm not afraid to step on shit!"

Suddenly, a voice from across the river cheered, "Go Riku! Show that scaly fiend what's what!"

Distracted, Riku turned and said, "Is that Zexion?"

WHACK! The oblivious wolfman was hit with a quick tail-whip. Crashing into the rock Ienzo was just hiding behind, Riku growled at him, "Remind me to kill you later."

Gulping some invisible spit, Ienzo replied uneasily, "Y-Yes, certainly…"


	8. Cold Hard Road Out of Hell

**Chapter 8: Cold Hard Road Out of Hell**

Sora's boots hit the ice at a high speed, courtesy of Kairi's rocket thrusters.

"What are the odds this isn't a trap?" asked the evil fairy girl, riding piggyback.

"Lower than my swinging dong," Sora replied, earning a scoff of disapproval from Kairi.

"Party foul for copying Riku. That's against the Dude Rules and Regulations."

Sora and Kairi raced along the frozen highway, twisting skyward as the Destiny mainland shrank below. Smugly, Sora told her, "C'mon, let's hit the turbos!"

The ice track gradually curved upward until they were propelling themselves vertically. That's when Elsa came screaming downward, wielding a sword made of ice. Clashing weapons with the ice princess, Sora greeted her, "Ice to see you—ow!" He got punched in the head by Kairi.

"Quit it! Bad Sora!"

"I despise you Square Enix people!" Elsa suddenly blurted out, being propelled upwards by their momentum.

Kairi sassily corrected her, "Um, we're called Squeenixians?"

"Die!" Elsa fired an ice ball at the pair.

Jumping over Elsa, Sora landed behind her and started losing momentum due to their narrow ascent. Thinking fast, Kairi monkeyed around to Sora's front side, where she clung for dear life and continued boosting her fairy thrusters. Able to maneuver with Kairi wrapped around his torso, Sora stated, "Well this is news to us. Why all the hate?"

Kairi's back was to Elsa, who dared to impale the girl still holding on to her vampire-soulmate. Swatting Elsa's jab downward, Sora countered with a defensive slash. In response, Elsa dodged and said, "Because you all act like spoiled brats, and I hate you!"

"Sheesh," Kairi huffed, doing her best to look backward. "You do realize you're going to be in Kingdom Hearts III, right? And this is the gratitude you show us?"

Trading more sword strikes with Sora, Elsa retorted, "Please, honey, you're the ones who should be grateful to have _me_ in your game. Frozen is doing Kingdom Hearts a favor, not the other way around! Only now, I don't feel so generous knowing that Square Enix is in charge of a bunch of whining, pathetic, and immature children who don't even realize how good they've got it!"

Suddenly firing an arctic wave of ice crystals, Elsa sent Sora and Kairi flying even higher into the sky. Using some undeniably powerful magic, Elsa created a horizontal platform to catch Sora and Kairi. She joined them on said platform, screeching, "Screw Kingdom Hearts III! I just want to see you suffer!"

"That explains why you haven't killed us, yet," Sora inferred, crossing his arms.

"Just look at how high we are." Facing away, the Frozen Princess started speaking gently. "Can you believe Disney Castle is in viewing distance from here?"

"Really?" Sora asked, glancing around the star-studded sky. "I had a telescope when I was a kid, and I don't remember seeing—"

"The worlds have shifted again, Sora," Elsa cut in. "Your home as you know it is about to get a lot bigger."

"We're very pleased to hear this," Kairi said dryly. "It's doesn't change the fact that we have to fix what you've started, here."

"Don't you get it?" Elsa turned and faced them again, a notable amount of fire in her eyes. "Square Enix characters—or 'Squeenixians'—they're the ones meant to bring balance to Light and Darkness! Or so I've been told."

Laughing out loud, Sora and Kairi couldn't believe their ears.

This no doubt earned a baleful reaction from Elsa. "This is the reason why I doubt Square Enix. There is a war coming, and you two laugh at the possibility of losing everyone you've ever loved."

Catching his breath, Sora inquired, "Who told you Squeenix characters were meant to bring balance to Light and Darkness?"

"It was prophesized by the Walt Disney Company that Square Enix would save the universe." Elsa glanced between Sora and Kairi. "Are you telling me this prophecy is inaccurate?"

Sighing, Sora explained, "Your prophecy is tad bit off. All those guys down on the ground—they've already faced their trials. And I'll admit, they act a little entitled, but Light and Darkness are old news to them. The war you're talking about, well…"

"That's Sora's and my job," Kairi interjected. "Worrying about the other Squeenixians is a waste of time. Remember, you're a guest in _our_ game, not theirs."

"Hmph…" Elsa stared into Sora's eyes. "You two seem confident. But the Darkness that the company prophesized spans more than just the worlds in Kingdom Hearts. You have so much more to protect, Sora, Kairi…"

"We believe you," Sora replied. "Now do us a favor, and turn our friends back to normal. Please, Elsa."

"Sure, after you beat me."

Elsa summoned a ball of ice large enough to engulf them both and hurled it with all her magical might. It collided, and after exploding, it had evidently hit one of Sora's wings, which had protected both himself and Kairi. Drawing back his wing, Sora smirked and said, "You're lookin' for a fight? Here I am."

Elsa smiled back. "Don't disappoint me, Sora."

* * *

 **-X- Back at the Frozen River**

"You wanna know what I say to giant dragon ladies begging to get their asses thrashed?" Riku began, back-flipping from a midair kick to Faris' scaly face. After landing on the ground again, Riku whirled around, readied his right gauntlet, and unleashed a pulverizing uppercut to Lenna's oncoming jaws. Triumphantly, the fisticuff-wielding werewolf bellowed, _"Sure-Yoo-Can!"_

"That was an excellent quip, Riku! Bravo, indeed!" Zexion said that.

"Oh, yeah—that's right! I'm supposed to kill you," Riku recalled.

Just as Zexion's bony form turned and ran in the opposite direction, a burly, barreling grizzly bear came crashing through the unsuspecting youngster. Quite literally, the grizzly bear, fleeing from Kingdom Hearts knows what, had crashed through Zex's body, dismantling all two hundred-six pieces of said skeleton on contact.

Riku spat, "Hey! I was gonna kill that!"

Fumbling around, the bear spoke in a girl's British accent, "Oh-me, oh-my! Did I just bump someone?"

Vaguely recognizing her voice from a certain Final Fantasy XIII protagonist, Riku stopped and analyzed the orange mini-skirt threatening to snap from the furry's waistline, "Wait…Vanille?"

Nodding, Grizzly Vanille said, "Yeh."

Riku asked, "Vanille, is that really you?"

Furrowing her furry brow, Vanille retorted, "You moron, I just said, 'Yeh'!"

Just then, Lenna swooped in and snatched Riku up in her talons, also insulting his intelligence, "Look alive, jackass!"

Gasping, Vanille the Bear reacted, "Riku! Don't worry, I'll save you!" Then, she totally started galloping at the speed of a raging woodland creature.

While Riku was being whisked away in the darkened, now snowflake-filled sky, a magic cloud materialized next to the wolfman's struggling head. Able to keep up with the kidnapped youngster, the cloud summoned an image of Terra Branford again, now showing some static interference due to the intensifying snowstorm.

Sounding slightly less disinterested this time around, Terra said, "Hey, Riku? You there? You won't believe what I just spotted in the mountain woods!"

"Yeah—kinda busy at the moment!" Riku replied, punching Lenna's talons over and over.

"You sure? That sort of just looks like a fun joyride to me."

Riku went stiff and crossed his arms. "Point taken. Well, what is it?"

With mild excitement, Terra informed him, "Yuna and Paine are hiding out in the mountain woods. I recommend seeing what they're up to before, say, a werewolf gets to them first."

"Funny—not."

"Also, can you tell Sora and Kairi to stop completely wasting all the Final Fantasy characters? We have like, zero Phoenix Downs over here, and Vaan keeps mistaking Megalixirs for hard liquor."

" _Doesn't matter! Still drunk!"_

"Terra, I think she's trying to ram me into a tree!" Riku panicked whilst dodging incoming treetops.

"Don't panic, Riku! Stay calm—!"

"Ow—sonuva bitch!" Wolf Riku screeched from a branch smacking his face.

"Cover your face, Riku!" Terra commanded.

Covering his face, Riku was then smacked in the balls by another branch.

Terra tried, "Shoot, I mean cover your balls!"

"Just shut the hell up!" Riku cried, taking hits in the face, gut, and family jewels.

"Wow, rude. Save yourself, douchebag." And with that, the fortuneteller cut their cloud-connection.

Lenna, enjoying Riku's suffering, laughed and said, "How do you like that, emo-boy?! Is it edgy enough for ya?!"

"You tell me—!" _CRUNCH._ Riku put his fangs to good use.

Throwing Riku into the mountain woods below, Lenna cursed, "OW! You prick!"

Needless to say, Riku crashed and ate dirt, though he quickly popped back to his feet, taunting the dragons flying above, "I didn't feel a thing!"

During their so-called joyride, Riku hadn't even noticed they'd flown completely past the downtown area. Presently, he stood fairly deep in the mainland of Destiny Islands, a wooded area at the base of the mountains. Still, he wasn't impressed. He would've much preferred to keep fighting those dragon sisters.

"Looks like I lost 'em in the mountains' pubes. Who did Terra say was hiding around here…? Tuna and Poon? Guess I'd better start looking, heheheh…"

* * *

 **-X- Ice Platform, Miles Above Destiny**

Like a skilled ballet dancer, Elsa weaved between Sora and Kairi in a steady rhythm, trading strikes of her ice lance with their combined Keyblade and CQC offense. After warding off a particularly daring kick from Kairi, Elsa remarked, "This is good, but how do you expect to stop me if you don't go for the kill!"

On that last word, Elsa got a running start and dropkicked Kairi in the abdomen, definitely knocking the wind from her sails. She'd kicked her so hard that the winged princess went careening off the platform, and she just barely dug her nails in the icy edge.

Momentarily preoccupied with Kairi's safety, Sora found himself dead-to-rights with an icy sword at his throat. Glaring Elsa deep in the eye, Sora simply stood and awaited her next move.

"Don't get distracted, sweetheart," Elsa commanded. "I haven't even started fighting seriously, yet. You're better than this, Sora!"

"I don't know if I can win at this rate," Sora contemplated out loud.

Meanwhile, Kairi had returned topside via flight, landing on Elsa's flank. She cried, "We're not done yet, Sora! Don't give up!"

Elsa scoffed. "Allow me to speed this up."

Slashing sidelong at Kairi, Elsa purposely missed her target in order to lure her into attacking head-on; blocking three punches, the bewitched queen then tripped Kairi until she fell frontwards on the hard platform. Taking an opportunity to really screw up Kairi's plans, Elsa shot a blast of ice over the fallen girl's wings, freezing them on contact. Pointing her sword at Sora to keep him at bay, Elsa smirked as she kicked Kairi's helpless body over the edge. What followed for Kairi was pure terror.

"Listen to her scream," Elsa rejoiced. "She doesn't even know what a hindrance she was for you."

"KAIRI!" Sora roared.

"Let her fall," Elsa said with a laugh.

Sora broke off at a full sprint, preparing to tackle Elsa off the platform in rage. However, Elsa was unfazed in the slightest, staring deep into Sora's livid and approaching irises. What's more, right before Sora made contact, he heard these five words in his head:

" _Just let me fall, Sora!"_

Sora hit the brakes; skidding into Elsa's adamant form, he caught his balance on her hips. Letting his adrenaline flow to a halt, he merely leaned into her neck, daring to take a bite.

"Did you also hear the princess speak?" Elsa whispered with a pompous edge. Speaking directly into Sora's ear, she added, "She's learned her place. You belong to me now, Sora."

Momentarily comfortable in the bewitched maiden's embrace, Sora calmly replied, "I can kill you."

Giggling seductively, Elsa responded, "And I can kill you. You bite, and I'll freeze."

And so it happened that they stood amid their impasse, taking in the frigid, snow-filled atmosphere. In that cold silence, Sora managed to focus some sort of wild, extraneous sense honed from his time spent vamping around earlier. Faintly, he could hear the sound of Kairi struggling to break free.

* * *

 **-X- About to Fall to Her Death**

It's a bird! It's a plane! Actually, it's a babe, frozen at the wings and tumbling through the air.

"Can't move!" Kairi strained.

The ground grew closer with every provocative tussle.

"C'mon, jetpacks! Morph, you moutherf—!"

"Hey, Kairi! Grab my hand!" said a voice over the rushing wind.

Spotting what looked like a dark phantom zeroing in on her plummeting form, Kairi held a desperate hand out for anything to take it; to her surprise, someone else's hand did take hold of hers, swiftly pulling her out of her freefall.

Still in flight, Kairi watched mountains pass beneath her, realizing she was perhaps a thousand feet above them. Looking up, it took her a quick moment to recognize her phantomlike savior, who was more angelic than her outfit led on. Clasping both hands around the brunette princess' hand, Kairi fervently thanked her, "Oh, I love you, Garnet! I thought Sora was going to have to avenge me!"

"Not a chance!" Garnet assured. "I've been watching ever since Elsa revealed herself. And…she has a point, you know!"

"About what? Her 'Disney Company Prophecy'?" Kairi was incredulous. "Don't tell me you actually bought that?"

"You must know it to be true!" Garnet insisted, gazing at her quarry with concerned eyes. "She isn't just talking about the upcoming battles in Kingdom Hearts III—Elsa is here to warn us all about the long-lasting effects Kingdom Hearts III's arrival will have on the whole universe!"

Timidly, Kairi admitted, "Well, I know it's gonna be big…"

"That's an understatement, Kairi. As an angel, I was able to listen in on Elsa's speech about this prophecy. And when I heard it, I got this undeniable feeling in my heart that the prophecy was true. So I asked the other angels about their thoughts on this matter, and they sent me a friend request on Kupo+. It was a confusing response, but after I accepted it, I had this vision of darkness overtaking the light!"

Sighing, Kairi replied, "Garnet, this old news, don't'cha think?"

Looking off into the distance, Garnet added, "But the darkness—it will come from every corner of the universe, not just Square Enix and Disney. Elsa knows this, and she just wants you to be ready for it."

"Still…she didn't have to kick me off a cliff."

The snow was falling heavy in the mountainous area of the islands, and Kairi's wings were no closer to melting. She did, however, spot a pair of dragons flying over the forested area, which must have housed something they were looking for judging by the way they slowly scanned the woods from above.

Ready to rumble, Kairi requested, "Garnet, do you mind tossing me on one of those dragons?"

"Hmph," Garnet said with smirk. "As if you have to ask."

Meanwhile, Faris, the purple-haired dragon grunted and proposed, "Wouldn't it be easier to just burn the woods down?"

"Sheesh, Faris, have a soul, why don't you!" Lenna chastised her sister. "Don't you know karma's a gold-digging, ball-busting, heart-stabbing, bikini-waxing, pole-dancing—?"

"GOTCHA, BITCH!" Kairi shrieked upon landing on Lenna's pink-headed cranium. Swiftly, she pole-danced her way down to Lenna's neck before locking her arms and legs around her scaly windpipe. Once there, she assumed her best anaconda impression and squeezed the living daylights out of her fellow princess' throat, resulting in their abrupt descent toward the earth.

"Lenna!" Faris shouted after her falling sis.

Holding on for dear life, Kairi and Lenna went crashing into the forest, knocking over enough trees to make the tree dudes from Lord of the Rings quiver with fear. (Ants? Ents? Oh yeah, Groots.)

Limping off of the coughing lizard, Kairi commented aloud, "Okay…not your best landing, Kairi." Suddenly, the sound of shattering glass resounded from behind her. Her wings were no longer restrained. Looking back, the redheaded succubus cheered with glee, "But goddamn, you bring sexy back!"

"Oh, you are gonna pay for that, Red!" Lenna growled, towering over the girl.

Kairi entered her fighting stance. "Bring it on, Pinky!"

Intensely, the snow began to fall in heavier zephyrs, veiling their surroundings in a hazy white blizzard. Cackling at a lurid feature of Kairi's character development, Lenna taunted, "What's wrong? Too nippy out here for you?"

Shivering, Kairi brushed her off, "Whatever. You're just lucky reptiles don't have nipples. Bitch."

Just then, Faris swooped down behind Kairi, effectively crowding her rear exit strategy. "Who you callin' bitch, slut?"

Swiveling her head from monster to monster, Kairi steadily held her ground, hurling back more or less of the same insult, "Not so fast, Skankzilla! I was talking to the Komo-Ho Dragon over here!"

Growling intensely, Lenna retaliated with, "Real clever, Succu-Bitch! But now you have to dance with both of us!"

"Yeah, both of us, Skanker-Bell!" Faris added.

Kairi scoffed and said, "I bet you two are used to tag-teaming like a couple of Lizard-Lezbos!"

"Yeah, no shit. We do all kinds of—ah, dammit. I shouldn't have said that," Faris immediately regretted speaking too soon.

"Doesn't matter, we're still gonna eat you like a cupcake!" said Lenna.

"Yeah, well that's a given," Kairi quipped. "Say, why don't the two of you start by feasting on my—"

The sound of a blade sinking into flesh muffled Kairi's euphemism for her critically acclaimed crotch-zone. The sound had come from behind the girl, who turned slowly to see Faris with a blade sticking through her lizard gut.

Shocked, Lenna shrieked, "Faris, don't move! I think you might've got stabbed!"

Wincing over the pain, Faris replied, "Oh, God…I can't even do sarcasm, this hurts so much."

Suddenly, a person standing behind the impaled dragon ripped the sword back out, on the verge of revealing his or herself while Faris fainted to the ground. Striking a pose, the gothic girl from Final Fantasy X-2 expressed her cheesy one-liner, "Game over, bitches—it's time to feel the Paine!"

* * *

 **-X- A Higher Altitude**

"As entertaining as stalemates go, I'm gonna have to put an end to this one," said Sora, slowly backing up from Elsa.

"Wise move, Keyblade Wielder." Elsa narrowed her greenish blueish eyes. "Or would you rather risk stealing my blood again?"

"I could, but then falling into your trap would be too easy." Pointing his Hellzone Key at his opponent's ample breast, Sora offered an alternate strategy, "How 'bout I just steal your heart instead?"

Bursting out, Elsa laughed. "HA! Now, that's comic genius, Sora! Really, you've outdone yourself!"

A cold wind blew. Then, Sora said, "I'll do it. I'll open your heart to darkness!"

Elsa took a bold step forward, lightly tapping her finger on Sora's pointing weapon. "Oh, really? You gonna do it with this ole thing? _Pleeeez…"_ Walking forward, Elsa steadily got the best of Sora, saying, "As if you know your way around a girl's heart, let alone mine."

"What an ego," Sora muttered. "I guess you called my bluff. What now?"

"I say we have a drink." Summoning Zex's book of magic nonsense, Elsa opened it to a random page and recited the following spell, "Book of drinks full of all things tipsy, I'm not picky. Just give me some whiskey!"

While a bottle of Exdeath Whiskey magically appeared in Elsa's free hand, Sora stared at her in disbelief. Cautiously, he asked, "What the hell?"

"C'mon, have a shot," said the Snow Queen invitingly. And so it occurred that she summoned two levitating shot glasses, pouring a drink for both of them. Dismissing the bottle, Elsa passed a glass Sora's way, and she chanted, "Chug-a-lug!"

"Wow. I don't even care if it's poison. You know I'm not twenty-one, right?" he remarked, downing the shot like it was nothing.

Elsa giggled, ingesting her own cup. Then, she said, "Well, that didn't stop you at the party, now did it?"

"Mind your own business…"

"And rest assured, I'm not interested in poisoning such a hot bod, which isn't as young as you think."

Ignoring the compliment, Sora doubted her, "Get out. Just how old is this body?"

"Imagine you never stopped aging after your first adventure," the enchanted queen explained. "That was fifteen years ago, so really, just do the math."

"Um…what? I'm fifty years old?!" Sora said that due to a lack of schooling.

Elsa laughed again and pressed a chilling fingertip on Sora's exposed chest. "No silly, your body's almost thirty years old. Also, it looks like you let your guard down."

"Again, with the ego." Sora grabbed Elsa's hand roughly. "Do your worst, milady."

Behold, Elsa kissed him. Her lips surprised him, especially in warmth. And just like that, Sora grew numb to the cold. He checked his body for anything frozen, but found himself completely free of ice.

Reading his mind, Elsa stated, "You're gonna be fine."

Suddenly, the icy platform on which they stood began moving; using her magic, Elsa summoned more frost to elevate their position above and beyond the clouds. And as they ascended into the heavens, she converted the nearby clouds' moisture into abundant ice for their ever-rising platform.

Sora gazed at the moonlit night sky, realizing his body felt warmer than usual. "Where are you taking me?" he asked. "And why…did you kiss me?"

"Your body was mine the moment you let Kairi fall," Elsa remarked. Caressing her hips, she added, "Your hands…you certainly have a lover's touch. Every inch of your body fights against my powers, so I numbed you, hence the kiss."

"But, my body…" Sora groped his chest in confusion. "Is that why I don't feel the cold?"

Elsa pressed a hand to Sora's exposed chest. "You're a bit more like me, now. However, the real reason I numbed you, is so you wouldn't feel any pain when I—" Enchanted frost flowed from Elsa's hand directly onto Sora's chest, spreading all over his reactionless body. The frost overtook him, immobilizing any hope of escape.

"Froze you."

Completely draped in a thin layer of ice, Sora's natural reaction was to jump back, but he found himself hardly able to breathe, let alone move. Panting through his gritted teeth, he growled, "Cheater!"

Elsa's eyes wandered south. "Look on the bright side. At least your manhood doesn't feel the cold, either."

Continuously, their ice column rose into the depths of darkness lying beyond Destiny Islands. Rising above the partly cloudy, moonlit night sky, Sora and Elsa penetrated the world's frontier, bursting into a separate plane of astral existence.

Twitching his eyes in all directions, Sora feebly stared in awe at the numerous white dots scattered in the ocean of black. While the pillar of ice continued towering skyward, Elsa began in a low voice, "Look at what surrounds us, Sora. The universe is vast…and for once, it's all looking at you."

"Yeah, right," said Sora's half-frozen face. "That supposed to make me feel good?"

"I'm telling you the truth. The drama you and the others caused this year deeply upset the balance of, well, everything. Stars, planets, Disney worlds—they've all shifted positions thanks to you. Look over there, Sora…" Elsa was pointing behind Sora. "Oh, sorry."

After letting Elsa carefully rotate him one hundred eighty degrees, Sora squinted his eyes and asked, "What the heck am I supposed to be looking at?"

"That world, with the giant letter 'C' has developed a stellar amount of tension for Square Enix," Elsa explained. "Do you remember what you did on that world?"

Impatiently, Sora retorted, "Let me guess, all the characters in Capcom still want to go to war with Square, namely me?"

"That's part of it." Elsa crossed her arms solemnly. "But Capcom isn't the only world that wants a piece of you. Activision, Namco Bandai, Naughty Dog, and even EA are preparing for an all-out assault on Squeenix turf."

Chuckling, Sora asked, "How 'bout Nintendo?"

"You'd be dead already if Nintendo was looking for you," Elsa stated plainly.

"Heheh, goals," chuckled Sora.

Elsa turned on Sora with a fierce expression. "This is serious, Sora!"

"Doesn't Serious Sam want to kill me, too?" Sora was no longer taking this seriously. At all.

"Idiot…Look at Square Enix. Can you see it from here?"

"Sure…" Sora easily spotted the enormous world of Square Enix in the distance. It was a nice, round mass adorned with skyscrapers, foliage, and twisting highways. Somewhere in that lively mass of civilization was a place Sora called home, more or less. However, Destiny Islands was in serious turmoil, and he couldn't leave his first home in such a mess, not without a stake in his heart.

Something seemed out of place. Square Enix was draped in a dark red haze. This colorful anomaly seemed to trail out in multiple tangents, stretching deeper into outer space.

"Wait a minute…" Suddenly realizing what the haze represented, Sora moaned, _"Ohhhhhh, great."_

"That's right," said Elsa. "That's the scorn from other worlds being directed at Square."

"Well, this just got really anime really fast. So what do you expect me to do while I'm frozen, standing next to you, Your Iceness?"

The Frozen Queen giggled. "What you do from here is totally up to you. I've played my part. If the darkness should reach me before it does you, then so be it. But you, Sora…you have to be strong enough to protect me."

Sora scoffed. "Are you even listening to yourself? You've spent the whole night plotting against me, and now you expect me to save you?"

With a knowing expression, Elsa stared deep into Sora's eyes and said, "Well, what else were you going to do, Chosen Keyblade Master?"

Sighing, Sora relented, "Point taken. How 'bout we start by fixing up my home first?"

Nodding, Elsa agreed, "Sure thing. But first, you have to face the ultimate test: my very own darkness."

Behold, Elsa kissed him once more, this time throwing Sora into a deep, undeniable trance. Kissing him longer and more passionately than before, Elsa transferred mental depictions of trauma and loneliness, courtesy of the queen's dark past.

Sora's pupils shrank at the conclusion of their kiss.

"Now, Sora. Take my fears and lies. Conquer them as your own. And try not to die on the way down."

And so, Elsa pushed him with a stiff arm. Over the edge, he fell, plummeting thousands of feet. And on his way down, he stared hopelessly into a snow-capped oblivion.


	9. So Everything's Pretty Anime

**Chapter 9: So Everything's Pretty Anime**

As you could imagine, everything got pretty anime with Elsa's spiel about a prophecy dealing with important stuff. After being abused by some powers I'm too lazy to explain or retcon, Sora was left falling at terminal velocity with the power of darkness clouding his every thought.

Like a star falling from an unworthy heaven, Sora's body blazed its way down to Destiny Island's snowcapped surface. Though Elsa's frost had long since melted away, Sora remained rigid in posture with his feet to the sky. Though his eyes were wide open, they stared endlessly into the fast approaching earth…

Quickly, Garnet, in all her angelic glory, dashed over to a spot beneath Sora, spreading her arms, legs, and wings to catch him. Anxiously, she muttered, "C'mon, Sora…don't die on me!"

However, Sora's raging blast-like form surged right past Garnet. Upon closer inspection, his body had committed to a lightning-fast move that involved swerving in an acute trajectory around the girl, completely avoiding any sort of collision.

Confused, Garnet asked, "Did he just swerve around me—?" Behold, she (not-so) spontaneously combusted from Sora's meteoric aura. Burning in midair, she screamed, "Oh, GOD! WHY?!"

Just as Sora came within shouting distance of the island's grassy, snow-capped surface, his eyes shined brightly like a pair of blue flames, and just as he was about to touch down, he reeled back his Keyblade and impaled the earth.

* * *

 **-X- The Mountain Forest**

The ground shook the whole landscape, interrupting Kairi's team attack with Paine. This wasn't just any violent tremor. The ground managed to topple not just Kairi and Paine, but also the private jet-sized Lenna the Dragon, flipping them all like pancakes.

Fallen to her knees, Kairi wailed, "Help!"

"What was that?" said Paine.

"Oh shit…I think I'm in over my head!" Lenna fretted, hiding under her claws.

* * *

 **-X- Higher on the Mountain**

 _CRASH._

Riku first heard the tremor from miles away. In the middle of scaling the side of a rock wall, Riku dared to look behind him, spotting a shockwave originating near the base of the ice tower. Still dangling on a rock's edge, he started panicking as the shockwave approached him.

"Damn it, damn it, damn it— _oh, shit!"_ he cried, literally falling victim to the incoming dust, debris, and devastation. Oh, and then a boulder fell after him, no doubt finding a werewolf to land on.

* * *

 **-X- Sora**

Striking a pose reminiscent of a certain lingering will, Sora stood up and ripped his weapon free from the dirt. He glared up at the distant peak of the ice tower, choosing now to vent his coiled-up rage, "… _ELSAAAAA!"_

Terra's cloud materialized before Sora, establishing a face-to-face connection between him and the sorceress. Concerned, she asked him, "Hey, everything okay—?"

Sora passed right through the cloud-o-vision, disrupting their connection for a moment before running vertically up the ice tower.

"Sora—that looked like a nasty fall," said Yuffie's voice, head poked-in from the cloud chasing him. "You should take time to recuperate!"

Sora's only response was to draw his Keyblade and subsequently swipe at the cloud flying beside him, once again disrupting the picture's fidelity.

Just then, Snow's head poked in the cloud's camera feed. Notably concerned, he addressed the situation, "Don't take this the wrong way, Sora, but we all think you should regroup back here at the house. You've already taken Selphie outta the picture, and that blizzard is only gettin' worse and worse—"

It was death from above; just then, a falling ice spire surged downward for the gravity-defying vampire, who adeptly vaulted over it at the very last second. Terra's cloud-o-vison was not so fast, dissipating completely the moment the spire pierced it.

Remembering he had wings, the young vamp soared skyward, proving a few falling icicles were no real threat. What was currently getting under his skin were the endless visions of loneliness and self-doubt, all courtesy of Elsa's abstruse magic, and judging by the miles-long distance to reach the tower's peak, Sora had quite some time to deal with these visions.

And because of this, he was practically foaming at the mouth. It was bad enough she froze and dropped him off a cliff. But forcibly tainting his psyche with depictions of her own life struggles? That was going a bit far. Who does she think she is—Roxas?

Ignoring a mental image of Elsa stuffing her face with chocolate as she cried while reading a sex novel, Sora roared into the sky, _"Why do all the hot ones have to be fucked in the head?!"_

Meanwhile, the ice queen, in the middle of lobbing potshots of icicles downward, found herself impressed with Sora's quick recovery.

"Already rising again, Chosen One? Now I see why you're…you."

After swatting an incoming icicle out of the park, Sora finally reached the top, flipping and landing before Elsa. Sora was unable to control his foul mood, looking more and more like a serial killer with each heavy breath. Elsa cooed.

"Good work, Sora."

"If you're looking for another kiss, you can forget it. I can't stand women who _literally_ push me over the edge!"

"Well…you came back up here for something, didn't you?"

Growling with pure lunacy in his eyes, Sora readied himself in his battle stance before declaring, "You know what? I'm gonna finish you off, right here, right now!"

Elsa stood peacefully with her hands behind her back. "Gee. I sure hope you make it quick."

"Damn! You saw right through my bluff!" Letting his Keyblade dematerialize, he began approaching his icy heckler. "But I'm at least gonna repay that freefall you gave me…"

However, just as his hands made contact with Elsa's hips, Sora's mind was assaulted by one final mental depiction of Elsa's "suffering."

* * *

 **-X- Wait a Minute…**

Paine, Yuna, and Kairi were chasing a dragon up the side of a mountain. That's when Kairi felt a disturbance in the force…

"There's a disturbance in the _Sora…"_ Kairi sensed amid the chaos.

* * *

 **-X- Seriously?**

Riku had just peeled himself from underneath a giant boulder, feeling ready to start climbing again. However, seconds after giving his sore ass a firm scratch, Riku noticed a giant dragon stampeding his way, apparently being chased by a trio of angry girls.

"SERIOUSLY?" he cried while getting trampled by all in attendance.

* * *

 **-X- Awkward, But Kind of Hot**

"I'm guessing you just saw a certain 'something.'" Elsa's cheeks were pink.

Sora's eyes were bugging. Slowly, he released his hold on her delicate frame, keeping his eyes locked on hers.

Elsa laughed nervously. "So, uh…you gonna say something?"

"Um…" Sora had no choice but to start laughing nervously as well.

"Stop laughing!" Elsa cried suddenly.

"So what, you had problems with touching yourself, erm, in that way? We've all been there, done that."

"Not like me!" Jamming a finger on Sora's brow, she fussed even louder, "Every time I pleasured myself, my powers would spike out of control—!"

"Heh-heh, mine too," Sora inserted with a chuckle.

"How…how can you be so cheery about this?"

"I mean, yeah it's awkward, but still pretty funny. Everyone gets aggressive when they haven't hit the spot in so long. I'm guessing it's been a while for you?"

"You have no idea…"

"Hm…well, I've got good news. You now have my permission to play with yourself—"

"It's not that simple!" Elsa looked around uneasily, confusing Sora since they were the only people up there. And then, it happened; she tore off her dress to reveal an enchanted chastity belt locked securely around her waist. There, perched right above the vertex was a curious-looking insignia shaped like a snowflake. It appeared to be made of metal, fastened by black straps wrapped around her bikini-zone.

"I was so desperate to banish the urge that I—whoops, forgot my bra."

The Snow Queen snapped her fingers and fashioned a light blue brassiere. She put it on.

"I was so desperate to banish the urge that I sought out the help of a man named Frollo. He's the one who found this for me." Pointing at the metal snowflake, Elsa explained, "It binds me to chastity. At first, I thought I'd fixed the problem. Then it slowly dawned on me: there was no way to take this thing off. I tried—"

"Wait-wait-wait! Just gimme a second to catch my breath…!" This conversation had taken some wild turns and evidently its toll on Sora. "Okay…okay…go on."

"So I tried cutting it off, but the snowflake's enchantment would cause the whole belt to turn flaming hot! I tried burning it, yanking it, freezing it, using vegetable oil—nothing worked, Sora! The last time I felt my own touch was…six months ago."

Sora whistled his amazement. "That's some hard time. And I'm guessing you're hoping my Keyblade could do the trick?"

"Precisely. I would have come to you sooner, but these last few months have seen me deal with tremendous amounts of darkness—why are you laughing?!"

Indeed, Sora was hunched over cackling up a storm. "Sorry, it's just that you said, 'come to me,' and I couldn't help myself!"

"I might actually kill you this time, Sora."

"Easy, Your Highness. Let's go ahead and loosen that belt, then later I'm gonna wanna hear all about why you thought attacking me and my friends with magic spells was the way to reach out to me."

Sora summoned his Hellzone Key, and Elsa stood back and crossed her fingers.

However, just as Sora raised his Keyblade, behold, shenanigans went down, and for once, it wasn't Elsa's fault. Well, at least not directly.

"You fools!" cried a certain witch from the sky behind Sora. Simultaneously, a stream of purple energy shot from her magic wand and pushed Elsa over the edge of the ice tower.

Grumbling like someone just butt-slammed his sandcastle, Sora turned and yelled, "Aw, C'MON, Selphie! Oh, geez—are you okay?"

Selphie was not okay, to say the least. Her brown hair had gone white and unkempt. Long gone was her fresh complexion of rosy hues over peachy skin. Sora was staring at one pissed-off, green-goblin-like witch, who rode her broomstick in only her black underwear and witch's hat.

"You shall pay for harming me!" Selphie screamed in derangement.

"What, are you dense? All I did was throw the person who actually harmed you…" Sora shrugged. "Semantics."

" _Silence!"_ she went berserk, hurling another force-spell Sora's way.

The cheeky vampire used some always-nifty phantomlike speed to remain in control. Backpedaling to the tower's edge, he jested, "As much as I love catchin' up with the Green Goblin's family tree, I'd better go save the queen before I get court-martialed."

Sora dove off the tower, flapping his wings to increase his downward velocity. Quickly, he caught up to and seized the falling Snow Queen in his arms, shielding them both with his sizeable wings from Selphie's onslaught of offensive magic.

"You shall die tonight, Key-Boy!" Selphie yelled that while pelting Sora's wings with some purple laser nonsense.

"Elsa—you're on!" Sora cued.

"Right!" With a flick of her wrist, Elsa summoned a series of ice projectiles and fired each of them at Selphie, who swerved each of them on her broom.

The green witch bellowed, "Eat this!"

KABOOM. Something blew up. All that was seen was Sora plummeting in a downward spiral from a cloud of smoke. His smoky hide, draped in either of his wings, was still clutching Elsa as he fell straight for the mountains.

Right before contacting the ground, Sora spread his full wingspan and treacherously angled his decent to glide along the rough, snowcapped terrain. Gradually, he touched down wings-first, skidding to a halt inches before a prickly cactus.

"Oh my gosh—are you okay?" Elsa asked from the comfort of Sora's arms.

"I'll live," he groaned, lying beneath the half-naked queen.

Like lightning, he stood up with Elsa in his grasp, holding her in a way that suggested they were newlyweds. He set her down gently, grimacing.

"Not my best landing."

Elsa dusted off her vampire savior's shoulder. "We're still breathing—that's all that matters!"

Limping a few steps backward, Sora added, "Oh, and one more thing…you are set free."

 _Click._ Elsa's bewitched chastity belt unlocked and fell to the ground.

Censoring her freedom, she yelped, "Oh!"

"What the…" Sora sniffed the air. "Why does it smell like vegetable oil?"

"You get creative when you need an orgasm, fast," Elsa stated with a smile, then using her powers to re-summon the sparkling blue dress back on her body.

"So you put vegetable oil—? You know what? Don't even tell me."

"Way ahead of you."

Suddenly, a certain wolfman's voice called from behind Elsa, "Sora, you slippery devil! Who the heck's this chick?" Lo and behold, Riku came strutting up a hill, smirking flames at Sora and Elsa. "Man, she's got a smokin' hot—wait a minute, is that…Elsa?"

"Oh, hai Riku," Elsa greeted more-or-less enthused.

"Ah snap—it is Elsa! When d'you get here?"

"Around the same time you did," she replied. "Also, I was the one who turned you into monsters."

"Hey, Sora!" Kairi's voice called from further up the mountain. "Did you beat Elsa, yet?"

"She surrendered!" Sora called back. "Didja do something about those dragons?"

"Well, yeah, sort of. Paine slayed one of them with a sword, and the other one's cowering in fear. Like a bitch!"

"That's great! As soon as Elsa turns everyone back to normal, we get to go home!"

That's when Selphie hovered on the scene, floating ten feet away from Sora and his friends.

However, Sora pretended to not notice her, calling back up to Kairi, "Also, Selphie ain't lookin' so hot. I mean, she's become really hideous. Her whole skin tone changed into this green color, and I don't mean 'cute green' like Gamora and She-Hulk. Her face—God, her face—it has the texture of barf, her belly button looks like a light-switch, and those feet—geez, I can't even look at 'em!"

"Screw you, Sora! Screw you forever!" Selphie screeched.

"Holy crap, is that her?" Kairi yelled from her vantage point. "Hey, Yuna, Paine—come look at this!"

Dragging a dragon by the tail, Yuna and Paine came over to Kairi's lookout. Yuna gasped, covering her mouth in shock.

"Whoa. Now I see why people used to burn witches at the stake," Yuna remarked.

"Speaking of 'witch,' I wonder what she'll look like _after_ we burn her," Paine added.

Lenna piped up, "Hey, I don't mind burning someone! Just gimme a chance!"

Standing between Elsa and Riku, Sora stated, "You'd better turn her back to normal before those four up there get any ideas. Go on, Elsa. Use your stolen book."

"Great idea." Summoning Zex's took-book, Elsa started flipping through pages. And she flipped through more pages, going in the reverse direction, now. Still, she flipped through pages.

With an annoyed smile, Riku asked, "Do you not know where it is?"

"Sure, I do," Elsa lied.

"Didn't ya bring a bookmark?" Sora asked.

"I did, for your information. It just slipped out." Pretty sure that was a lie, too.

Suddenly, Selphie pointed her wand at Elsa and shouted, "YOU FOOL!"

As she said that, a bolt of lightning shot forth from her wand and zapped the book out of Elsa's hands. Sighing at the book fallen on the ground, Elsa growled, "Ugh, so rude."

"Okay, fine, Selphie!" Sora shouted upwards. "Just tell us what you want from us. Then we'll say no, fight you for it, and probably make it home for breakfast at the mess hall. So please, speak your mighty wisdom."

"You're a dick, and I hate you, Sora," the witch grumbled.

"Well said. Now if you don't mind, I wanna go back to my teenaged body."

"Ah, but you'll have to handle my Second Form, first! Ahahahahaahaa!"

Raising her wand and abandoning her broomstick, Selphie cast an impeccable spell that caused her whole form to illuminate the sky. Sora and Riku crossed their arms as they watched Selphie's limbs and bosy extend to nonhuman lengths; like a bad disease, her silver-locks of hair spread down to her ankles. There, she floated without broom, green and spindly in all her glory.

"Now…I am the Goddess of Halloween!" Selphie cheered in a shrill voice.

And so it happened, when Selphie reeled back and started laughing at her own declaration, that Devil Zidane arrived on the scene. Standing at respectable distance, Zidane took a rock and threw it right between Selphie's eyes.

Selphie was down for the count, unconscious before hitting the ground.

"You're welcome," said Zidane.

With no more distractions, Elsa moved right on to amending some of her hijinks. First, she snapped her fingers to stop the blizzard in its tracks, clearing the sky of clouds and precipitation. Then, she gathered Sora, Riku, Kairi, Zidane, Garnet, Yuna, Paine, and Lenna close to her, preparing to read the spell of reversal.

"Okay, guys. Just hold still while I recite the spell." Elsa cleared her throat.

"You know something?" Sora interrupted. "I should probably stay in this form until we've confirmed everyone's back at the house."

"Hey, I was just thinking that," Riku seconded. "Don't you think you'll need my help, fly-boy?"

"No, not really," Sora answered bluntly.

"Well what about me?" Kairi threw herself in the mix. "I'm not turning back unless you're turning with me, Sora."

"Come on, I don't think we need three of us to find everyone. That's a little bit overkill, don't ya think?"

"No, not really," said both Riku and Kairi.

"Tell you what," Elsa interjected. "I'll go on a search party for anyone who needs a phoenix down, turning them back to normal. Then if you guys are ready, I'll go ahead and turn you back."

"Wait, did you say 'phoenix down?'" Riku asked. "How many people did you guys kill?"

"Not that many," said Kairi.

"I got Bartz by exploding him, Seifer might need a potion or two…" Sora was counting on his fingers. "Didn't you say a dragon got slayed?"

"Yep, Paine did that. Also, I killed Wakka. Burned him to death." Kairi was proud of herself.

"Oh, yeah," Riku suddenly recalled. "I saw Zex get pulverized by a grizzly bear."

Then, out of nowhere, another Cloud-o-Vision poofed to existence beside Sora. Regarding Elsa, Terra Branford asked, "So does this mean she's a good guy now?"

"Good timing. Can you use your crystal ball to find any stragglers?" Sora asked.

"Hmm…looks like Vanille got distracted being a bear in the woods. Seifer's looking for something to terminate right outside the house, Rai is a giant spider creeping around in the park, and it looks like Hayner and Pence are the last ones to round up. They've been sparring on the mountaintop this whole time."

Sora nodded. "Great. You guys go find Vanille, Rai, and anyone who might be dead. I'm going after Hayner and Pence."

"Are you sure you don't want our help?" Kairi asked timidly.

"You guys need to keep Elsa safe, so I'm counting on you and Riku." Right before turning around and soaring up the mountain, he added, "I'll be back in a jiff!"

 _Sniff, sniff._

Riku was now sniffing uncontrollably. "Seriously, why does it smell like cooking oil?"


	10. re-oftheprince

**Chapter 10: re_-_of_the_prince**

Long, long, really totally long ago,

There was, like, a costume party. For Halloween. There were many spiky-haired bros and hot babes…all pretending they weren't minors.

Well, maybe some of them were of age.

Anyway, people…How's about a drama-romance musical fight scene? With ninjas? That would be nice, but…

* * *

 **-X- Mountaintop!**

Sora hid behind one of the few cabins dotting the heights of Destiny's mountain range. Peeking around the wooden home's corner, he spotted various clones of Pence and Hayner poofing in and out of existence; each time they appeared near each other, a deadly clash ensued, resulting in either ninja getting punch, stabbed, poked in the eyes, or kicked in the crotch.

Suddenly, Sora forgot what he was doing. He looked down at his pants.

"Weird. I didn't even notice I was wearing a jumpsuit this whole time. It's like my pants is my shirts, and my shirts is my pants."

And then Sora…well, he kept talking to himself.

"Cool, it zips up just like my red outfit! That also means it zips _down_ …"

He zipped his pants down.

"Oh, no wonder I've been feeling like a bad-boy! I'm totally going commando!"

With the edges of his pants in either hand, Sora humped the air repeatedly, making his junk do jumping jacks against the fabric of his jumpsuit.

"Oh, dude—I'm _hung_ right now. I might just walk up and hit someone with this thing." Then, he moaned out loud. "Ho-ho-ho, and I just remembered I saw Kairi _waaaay_ naked earlier, and now I'm running out of real estate. Oh, man, this thing's outta control…"

He clenched his glutes, now humping twice as fast.

"Aw, yeah—I bet you like it like that, you bat-crazy, gutter-mouth slut-chick…. You like gettin' whacked by the tip, don't you? Oh wait—now you want the jewels, too? Never thought you were so greedy, Kai…Aw, shit—you got it so sensitive right now…aw, shit…awwww-shit…aww-shit— _AWW!_ Heheh, just kidding."

"Sora, what the actual fuck," said Pence.

"Dude, like…I can't even…what is life?" Hayner was distraught.

Zipping his pants back up, the horny vampire greeted them, "Oh, what's up, guys? Weren't you in the middle of battling each other to the death, or something?"

"Yeah, but that kinda killed the mood for both of us, bro," Pence admitted, nervously tugging at his blue ninja collar.

"What? Never seen a guy bounce his junk before?" Sora snapped his fingers. "Oh, yeah—that's right. You guys don't even have dicks."

Hayner hotly retaliated, "Hey—screw you, Sore-Cuck! We got dicks for days!" He then took his own ninja-bulge in one hand.

"Whatever that means. _Queers, ahem._ Hey, wasn't this supposed to be a drama-romance musical fight scene? What gives? Where're the hot skanks, the cool stunts…the bomb-ass tunes? It's just you nitwits."

Pence speculated, "Pretty sure you ruined everything with your dick-foolery, ass-hat."

"Aw, c'mon. Don't be like that. Just, uh…play some Imagine Dragons while I pummel you, and we'll call it a night."

Behold, a thin sliver of daylight broke over the horizon.

Sora laughed out loud. Deceptively, he pointed out, "Well, would you look at the time? It's half past— _Bababooey!_ Do it now, guys!"

And so, there was this awkward silence. Hayner and Pence simply stared in confusion-slash-annoyance as Sora stood there pointing one finger in the air.

"Ahem, I said—do it now, guys!" Sora repeated irritably.

Breaking monster protocol, Wolf Riku and Kairi simply walked out from behind cover, both glaring at the vampire.

Sora shrugged. "What?"

"'Bababooey'?" Riku repeated. "You and I both agreed the codeword'd be 'Rooster Pussy!' You ruined the whole plan!"

"Oh, yeah. That's right. It made no sense…"

Crossing her arms, Kairi added her two cents, "I'm just pissed you called me a 'gutter-mouth slut-chick.' Actually—no, I'm not mad at that. Just a little vexed about the whole 'greedy for your jewels' thing."

"When did that happen?" Sora drew a blank.

Meanwhile, Kairi snapped her fingers and declared, "Well, actually, I am pretty greedy when it comes to jewels—balls and diamonds, alike. But still…how dare you assume I enjoy being tip-whacked! Aw…okay, you got me again."

"Who are you?" Sora had more blanks, like blanks for days.

Riku inquired, "Is this the part where I kill Sora?"

"Might be," said Kairi. "But that part usually comes after I bang one of you."

"Did I leave the fridge open?" Sora pondered.

"What the fuck is even going on here?!" Hayner shouted in pure rage.

Just then, Elsa took a step out from behind cover. Shaking her head in grief, she explained, "I'm too late. They've gone nuts."

"Who the fuck are _yooouuu?"_ Angered beyond a doubt, angry Hayner was becoming pretty angry.

"I'm a queen without a kingdom, ninja-boy." Elsa laughed at her own joke. Then, "Anyway. Those costumes seem be fusing with their identities. Or some anime crap. Just know what happens next is completely indeterminable…"

Wolf Riku delayed his reaction to Kairi's proposal. Meanwhile, Sora started levitating off the ground, placing both hands in his pants' pockets. He lowered the span of his wings to hang low by his feet.

That's when Sora and Riku suggested in unison, "The usual?"

"Good boys." Kairi was proud of her monster-mates. "What's it gonna be?"

"Race first?" said Riku.

Sora shook his head. "That's hardly fair. I can basically teleport."

"Guess a quick round'll do the trick. Grab your sword."

"Cool with me."

Riku chuckled. "By the way, the lady did say that one of us would get to tap that before the fight starts, so…" Behold, the wolfman pulled Kairi in close to him, linking their waistlines together for a full-frontal make-out session. She did little to fight back his sudden advance, letting him cop a handful of feels while kissing him just as deeply.

Back with Elsa, she warned Hayner and Pence, "You ninja-boys might wanna beat it. Your story arc…it wasn't that important, anyway."

Initially defiant, Pence retorted, "No way! We're master ninjas! We're not gonna—"

A surge of clear energy crashed down upon Sora from the heavens at dawn, creating ripples in the air. Still levitating low above ground with both hands in his pockets, the rigid vampire seemed to call upon another surge of energy, increasing the atmospheric interference tenfold.

Elsa shrugged and said over the raging wind, "See? I told you. This is no place for a couple of ninjas. Just run—oh, they're already gone."

* * *

 **-X- Down the Mountain**

"Aw, man—this part was supposed to be about us—the ninjas!" Hayner exclaimed as he and Pence barreled down a mountain slope. "What happened to the good stuff, for crying out loud?"

"I don't know man, but it can't end like this!" Pence cried. "We—we—we have to look cool before this story ends! It just can't end like this! It just can't!"

Just then, a giant spider came running after them, although it seemed more confused than predatory.

"Hey, what ever happened to my part, y'know?" the spider asked. "There was supposed to be this whole subplot about finding all my spider eggs before they hatched into explosives, y'know!"

"We all got jipped!" Hayner yelled.

Remember Garnet? Well, she was flying casually above the racing trio of forgotten monsters, also adding, "There was also supposed to be a plot point about lighting up the sky to fool Selphie or something, but that got retconned straight to hell."

Meanwhile, Elsa had created an ice-slide down the side of the mountain, traversing past Hayner, Pence, Rai the spider, and Garnet at an impeccable speed. Smirking in the wind, she noted to herself, "Looks like my work here is done. The universe is safe, and it's because of you, Sora. Hm…you can handle my darkness any day."

* * *

 **-X- Yeah…**

"…. What else is new."

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** The End.

This retaliation must be documented beyond FanFic Dot Net. In others news, Kairi Totally Went Shopping and Sora Must Die. Pretty soon, things will also be **Coming Up Destiny**!

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	11. Monster Killer

**Chapter 11: Monster Killer**

Thanks to Riku, Kairi got pushed aside just in time.

Splitting his Keyblade into twin shotguns, Sora unleashed a storm of bullet-fire whilst dashing up close. In response, Riku equipped his gauntlets, dodged, and then deflected the buckshot with his forearms. Sora dodged a fist meant for his head, responding with another point-blank shotgun blast.

Smacking the barrel away, Riku narrowly missed taking a headshot, then repeated the same action when Sora attempted to blast him with his identical sub-weapon. Riku headbutted Sora; Sora headbutted him back, following up with a gut-kick to create distance between them.

Sora fired more shots from his seemingly endless amount of shotgun shells. Riku then utilized his leg strength to leap skyward, where he rapidly descended to plant both feet over Sora's shoulders. The vampire crashed backward into the ground, but not without shooting Riku straight in the chest.

Flipping back to his feet, Sora let another two shots juggle Riku in the air, transforming his guns into a massive battle-axe. One horizontal slash later, Riku was sent crashing into the side of the mountain cabin.

"Ugh…fuck," Riku swore, clutching his side.

The wolfman quickly recovered. Jumping up, he turned his gauntlets into a pair of nine-inch claws. Sora didn't hesitate to follow up with another axe swing. Quickly, Riku dodged and rebutted with a barrage of claw-strikes.

Taking at least four hits, Sora countered with another axe-swing, missing his target again. This time, Sora compensated by dropkicking Riku in the center of his chest. As Riku flew away, he aimed his claws and fired all five sharp digits from his handheld weapon.

Sora took four of the projectiles to his body; he'd managed to catch the middle digit before it pierced his face. Lowly, he growled, "Asshole…"

Tumbling on the ground, Riku flipped back up and fired more claw digits, which seemed to regenerate on their own. Reequipping his Hellzone Key, Sora deflected them all in a blur.

A swarm of bats replaced Sora's body, hammering the wolfman until he fell. That's when Sora reverted back to a vampire, dropping down in an effort to stab Riku.

However, he caught Sora's weapon but received a hard kick across the face. In response, Riku chomped his fangs on Sora's leg, wrenching the vampire to the ground. Taking more kicks to the face, Riku grinned and continued gnarling Sora's leg.

Growling loudly, Sora flapped his wings and flew skyward, where he transformed into another colony of bats. This resulted in Riku falling back down to earth; returning to his human form, Sora simply hovered in place, watching Riku fall.

Riku landed on his feet with a loud thud, cratering the earth. Standing tall, he glowered up at Sora, muttering, "Cocky little bastard."

Riku pumped his legs and leapt fifty feet skyward, leading Sora to cast Thunder. It was a direct hit; Riku fell like a ragdoll, prompting Sora to dash after him and initiate a barrage of Keyblade strikes to nearly every part of his body.

Right before he hit the ground, Riku received a hard slash that bounced him off the ground. That's when Sora slashed once more to send his wolfman nemesis sliding into the side of the cabin again. Just when Riku readied his claws for retaliation, a couple of ice spells pinned both hands to the cabin's outer wall, followed by a series of ice clusters locking his legs as well.

As more ice spells collected against his trapped hands and feet, Riku struggled to free himself, gasping, "What the…?"

Firing a record amount of ice from his Hellzone Key, Sora slowly walked up to Riku's trapped form, glaring with pure hatred in his eyes. He'd delivered enough ice to keep all of Riku's limbs pinned to the wall behind massive chunks of frozen water.

Stopping right in front of the snarling wolfman, Sora bared his fangs with a serial killer's glare.

Smirking, Riku asked, "So, how did Kairi's huge tits look?"

Sora remained quiet in his fury.

"I remember when they were still small and perky. Don't you remember that? Oh, no, wait…" Riku's eyes reflected Sora's own hatred. "You weren't the one she chose—!"

On that last word, Riku wrenched his fist free and punched Sora directly across the face; he'd unwittingly taken the chunk of ice with him, shattering the magic matter on contact with the vampire's skull. After freeing the rest of his limbs, Riku took on his gauntlets and pummeled Sora's body with well-placed jabs and kicks.

Sora countered with a punch of his own, but he missed, then receiving four more strikes to the body. Sliding back, Sora decided to pull out a new move. Rather suddenly, monstrously huge bats began rising from the dirt, each leaving behind a trail of high-voltage lightning.

"What—are these supposed to scare me?" Riku snarled.

Just then, Kairi came hovering behind Sora, wrapping her arms around him with a sensual chest-rub. Purring in his ear, she told him, "I'm so ready for you, Sora."

"Get lost." He almost threw her off.

Kairi caressed Sora's taut abs. "Fuck me right now."

Suddenly, a giant bat erupted from beneath Riku. The enchanted creature spearheaded the wolfman high into the sky, all while introducing an electrical shock to his system.

Just as Kairi's curious hands ventured south of Sora's belt, the vampire blasted off into the sky, tearing after Riku. In the distance, all three monsters could see that they were flying past Elsa's ice tower, followed by their immediate departure from Destiny Islands. Flying through the Lane Between, Sora finally caught up with Riku and planted a heavy punch to his furry face.

Freed from the electric shock, Riku cheered maniacally, "Now we're talking!"

Riku slammed his Way to the Dawn over his opponent, who blocked it with crossed forearms. Riku then initiated an Ars Solum combo of deadly strikes, all while flying backwards from their momentum.

Hardly able to keep up with Riku's ferocity, Sora decided to jettison some added weight. Taking Kairi off his back, Sora swung her by the legs, attempting to hit Riku with the succubus's sharpened wings. After missing Riku a number of times, Sora threw Kairi like a boomerang, much to the girl's delight…for some reason.

Freed from Kairi's amorous chokehold, Sora propelled himself into Riku's form, pushing deeper into the Lanes Between. Hardly able to control themselves, Sora and Riku hammered each other with various punches and kicks. Locking hands together, they suddenly noticed the presence of a fast-approaching world; it was Traverse Town.

Both vampire and wolfman crash-landed in the middle of the Second District, seemingly unfazed by the impact. Holding Riku in a chokehold, Sora threw his free hand like a downward spade, aiming for the wolfman's eye socket.

"Not so fast!" Riku yelled, snapping his fangs over the vamp's hand.

Sora continued wringing Riku's throat. "Just die!"

"You can't kill me," Riku growled, suddenly digging his claws into Sora's ribcage.

Sora screamed in agonized rage. Unable to improve his situation, he simply decided to pick up and throw Riku into the nearby fountain area, causing more collateral damage.

Bleeding from his hand and side, Sora transformed his Hellzone Key into an extra long spear, to which Riku commented, "Lame."

Meanwhile, Kairi levitated above the action, observing both monsters further detach themselves from any human disposition.

Fighting gauntlets against spear, Riku and Sora began tearing apart the landscape with their scuffle; in a quick move, Riku disarmed Sora and kicked him into a staircase, following up with a decisive strike that left the vampire impaled by his own weapon.

Pinned against the concrete staircase, Sora smirked and stated, "I don't feel it."

"One of us had to die tonight," Riku replied, pushing Sora's weapon in deeper. "Can you believe Kairi's gonna choose me after all's said and done?"

"Wait…that's what this is about?" Sora laughed, seemingly unfazed. "You're still a pup, Riku. Worried about a girl choosing you…pathetic. No, I'm fighting you 'cuz I just wanna kill you. Dick."

Growling, Riku attempted to rip into Sora's neck, but the vampire dissipated into bats again, collecting himself just above Riku to deliver a nasty swing of the Keyblade; contacting Riku's spine to successfully stun the werewolf, Sora grabbed him by the hair and flew straight upwards, passing up a titillated Kairi in the process.

With Riku's limp body in tow, Sora departed Traverse Town and wound up venturing to a half-decaying, nameless world of darkness. Flying at a record speed, he soared for the new planet's surface, eyeballing a familiar mountain in the distance; it was Bald Mountain to be exact.

Sora smirked. Bald Mountain contained a currently active volcano. Zeroing in on the lava-spewing landform, Sora stopped right above it and held Riku's body over the volcano's scorching edge.

"This is your stop," quipped Sora.

Hardly able to move, Riku sputtered back, "You wouldn't dare…"

Sora dropped him. "Burn. In. _Hell!"_

" _You bastaaaaaaard!"_ Riku cried on the way down.

To make sure he burned, Sora blasted an especially volatile Fire spell into Riku's body, propelling him faster into the lava's depths. Shortly after the spell took him under, it exploded, causing an eruption in the volcano's bowels.

Vamp Sora peacefully levitated above the carnage, soaking in Wolf Riku's demise.

"It would've been hotter if you two just made out, but I guess this is fine," Kairi commented from behind Sora.

The unfazed vampire turned around to smile at the succubus, saying, "I guess the score's one-to-zero, now. Oh, and speaking of scoring…"

Violently shooting forward, Sora flew directly into Kairi, snatching her up bridal-style. Without warning, he kissed her deeply, stroking her tongue against his.

* * *

 **-X-**

Riku's original human body materialized in Selphie's living room, lying flat on his back. He found himself surrounded by other the teens, all back in their normal, non-monster bodies. Groggily, he moaned, "Aspirin, please, somebody…"

Elsa was there, too, still using Ienzo's lexicon to bring back the costumed party-patrons. Surprised to see Riku, she asked, "Where have you been?"

"He killed me," Riku muttered in disbelief. "The son of bitch-hole actually killed me."


End file.
